Friday, February 27, 2009

an amazing story

If you have time and Kleenex handy go here.
Read this incredible story about two people who fell in love, created a life and one day suffered a horrible plane crash. Their love for each other and their family has helped them pull through.

It will honestly make you cherish everything you have in life. Life is so very short and precious and can be taken away in the blink of an eye.
This story is sad, inspiring, and amazing.
Go see for yourself.



and I'm not kidding about the Kleenex. You will cry.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

Let today be over

I really don't have to much to blog about today. The weather still sucks, it's still cold at work, and I'm tired today. Just like every other day.
So instead, I'm going to play a game, cause who doesn't love games?
I personally love them for one reason, they help you waste time and get through the day.

The idea is to answer these questions with one word answers...let's see if I can follow the rules.
1. Where is your cell phone? Pocket
2. Your significant other? sleeping
3. Your hair? Ponytail
4. Your mother? working
5. Your father? working
6. Your favorite thing? Happiness
7. Your dream last night? confusing
8. Your favorite drink? Wine
9. Your dream/goal? satisfied
10. The room you're in? Office
11. Your fear? snakes
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Mexico
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Sure
15. Muffins/donuts? Muffin
16. One of your wish list items? Happiness
17. Where you grew up? MT
18. The last thing you did? talk
19. What are you wearing? Jeans
20. Your TV? dusty
21. Your pet? gone
22. Your computer? dusty
23. Your life? Family
24. Your mood? chill
25. Missing someone? friends
26. Favorite pastime? Cooking
27. Something you're not wearing? shorts
28. Favorite Store? Target
29. Your summer? outside
30. Your favorite color? brown
31. When is the last time you laughed? Tuesday
32. Last time you cried? Today
33. Who will/would re-post this? someone
34. Four places I go over: what? Dirt roads?
35. Four people who e-mail me? Mom
36. Four of my favorite foods? Tortilla's w/ butter, Mexican, Chinese, chocolate
37. Four places I would like to be right now: Mexico, Mexico, Mexico, Mexico
38. Four people I tag? um.... no one to tag.

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

So over it.

Dear Weather,

You are crappy again, what gives? I'm so over this cold weather, I'm so over the fog and frost. I'm so ready for spring. I'm so ready to frolic outside with out layers upon layers of clothes. Crappy weather please go away and don't come back until next winter season.

Thank you kindly,

Teenie

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Hail, Hail go away

The weather is so weird today. It was blue skies, then hail, then wind, then blue skies, then more wind, and finally bring on the hail once again.

Today is the perfect day to be on the couch, drinking hot chocolate, eating ice cream and watching movies. Or HGTV, I seriously love that channel. Gives me such inspiration. To bad inspiration isn't enough to get off the couch...

Instead, I'm here at work listening to the hail hit my truck. (Yessss, I love when it hail's on my truck.) As you can imagine, each individual piece of hard snow/ice I see/ hear hit my truck deepens my mood.
Although, I will go home (after practice) jump in the shower and use ALL the hot water. And I mean ALL of it. Grab a bowl of ice cream, cereal, or maybe even Cream of Wheat?? HMMM
Then I will plunk my butt on the couch and not move until I go to bed. (Oh, wait. This is happening after I feed the chickens. I wish they would feed themselves)

I'm not making ANY dinner unless you would like cream of wheat. I'm not doing ANY night calving. And the laundry can kiss off.
Tonight it's all about me the food and the tv.

Of course, what are the chances of my evening really going like this?
My luck the dog will run away.
Or the power will go out. (I might go up in flames if this happens)

Sidenote:
First day of basketball practice was a success. No one died or cried.
I even had a little boy run up to me and say "Do you know So and So?"
I looked at him like he was nuts and replied "Who? Um no..."
Little boy then replied "Well, he likes you. He like LOVES you."

The basketball girls started laughing and I stood there dumbfounded.
I still don't know what I would say to that little boy if he confronted me again.
Do you think a boy who wants to get attention by walking through the gym as if one of his legs is broken and is yelling "Oh, mah broken legggg. OHHHH, OHHH" Is a good match for me? Are we compatible?
Yeah I didn't think so either.

yeah, whatever

ugh. I'm not in a good mood right now. (That happens a lot doesn't it?)
for now I only have one thing to say.

What a meatstick.

Monday, February 23, 2009

This is normal right?

I have a problem. It's a very serious problem. I've had this problem for years and years.

My current problem:

Ryan and I have bought a pig to go to the butcher. So we may fill our freezer with yummy bacon and pork chops.
Some of my family members have also decided to buy pigs.
Right now they are at my house in a trailer, waiting for their final hours to pass.

My problem? I am soft at heart, especially when it comes to animals.
I can never be one of those people that raises an animal, gives it a name and then eats it.
All I would ever see on my plate is poor "Wilbur" and I can't eat my pets face. It just isn't happening.
So what did I do? I looked at the little (well they really aren't little) pigs in the trailer.
And that's where I went wrong. They look like pets with sad eyes. I already feel guilty.
I told my Mom and you know what she said? "Don't you open that trailer door!"
(I'm that girl that always brings home lost kittens, abandoned baby birds, starving puppies. I don't know how many times I got in trouble for bringing home and hiding in my room litter's of kittens.)
I'm trying to be tough and think of them as food, but I just can't help it.

They go in today at noon. I'm at work, trying not to think about it. I'm repeating in my head "Bacon, bacon, bacon." "Pork chops, pork chops, pork chops."

I will be strong, I will be strong.


On a happier subject. The first day of "Official" Basketball practice starts today. (Please light a candle for me) For some reason I'm anxious to coach basketball.

On a partly gruesome note, I'm glad I'm not a cow. To be more specific, I'm glad I'm not an older female cow.
Why? (and I'm sorry in advance) We had to pull a calf out of an older cow, and we found the feet, put the chain on and went to grab the jack. That's when it happened. It, was the sucking sound coming from the older cow's hoo haw. It was more powerful sounding then a Dyson Vacuum. It sucked that calves legs right back in. But that noise, the horrible farting/ sucking noise will stay with me forever.

This just in: I am looking out my window at work and the buffalo are stampeding. They are going wild. I'm glad I'm in the office. Plus if you want me to eat the buffalo my contact with them has to be minimal or I may try to make a pet of them and name it "Betty"
I think I have problems.

Thursday, February 19, 2009

Bound and Determined

I'm am so Determined.
Some of you already know. I have a slight obsession with photography. All kinds of photography. And for lord knows how long, all I've wanted was a camera.
You know the kind, expensive, beautiful, and just what I need to allow me to be free in my own world of capturing pretty pictures, arty pictures (arty?), working pictures, pictures of people, animals, flowers. I would love to be good enough to shoot wedding's one day.

Basically once I get that camera it will be attached to my body, I want to capture everything. To be able to look back at all my pictures and feel the same way I did when I took them.

See? I told you I'm obsessed.
The only problem is finding the right camera and saving every last penny for it.
I've tried bribing my Mom several times. "Well if I had a great camera, I could do Em's (my little sister) senior pictures."
I've tried bribing Ryan other ways, "But honey..." Never mind, lets keep this a family site.
My plan's for bribery hasn't worked.

So I'm taking matters into my own hands. I have picked the camera. That's right I have found "the one".
Now my next step, save save save save save.
Even if this means we will eat beans and rice for years. I'm saving the green.

I'm going to buy that camera. My goal is to buy that camera this year. I have until January 2010 to make this purchase. (What? I need some time to save the dough)
Wish me luck, or you know donations are welcome too...


On other news. Basketball practice starts on Monday. I'm coaching the middle school girls.
That's right you heard it here first. I'm coaching basketball.... um please pray for us all.

Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Playing Dress Up

All little girls do this.(I know I did) And all little boys do this to, sometimes in girl clothes. (I know my nephew did) (Don't tell him I told you, he may get embarrassed)

My point? I have one I swear. At least I think I do.

Dress up, there are several different forms. (For grown ups anyways, cause I'm like SO grown up and all)
I'm talking about being different roles for people. Being there and offering a wide variety of tools to your friends such as listening or giving advice, or playing Dr. Phill.

I know my friends have been there for me, always. They have also put their thinking caps on for me, listened to me, been mad with me, sympathetic with me, and they have Dr. Philled me and just basically psycho-analyzed me when I needed it.

I just love when they do that for me.

My favorite roll is the Dr. Phill roll, or advice giver. (Of course only when I know what I'm talking about. I wouldn't ever miss lead one of my friends. No, stop thinking that I would not. Never ever ever)
Anyways back to being Dr. Phill the advice giver. It's fun, it takes you down memory lane. Back to when you were in a situation that your friend has now found themselves in.
"What did you do?" "What should I do?"
I think the best part after going through it yourself hindsight vision is always 20/20 and you are able to pass that along to your friends.

Am I making any sense or just rattling along about this. Are you all just sitting there with a sympathetic smile and blank glaze on your face? Just nodding your head at me? You think I'm crazy don't you?


ah forgetaboutit.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Valentines Smalentines.

It's Tuesday!
You know what that means right?

oh, no?

Me either. (That's a song by Brad Paisley. I love Brad, but I hate that song) You know that song... "I was wondering if you want to dance??..... Me Either!"
ugh, it sends shivers down my back. In a bad bad way.

Anyways, the whole point for me writing twice today is I forgot something. Plum forgot to tell you about my Valentine's day.

Valentines Day:
I slept (weird) but was woken up when I got my card from my husband.
The card was colorful, Ryan was so proud. The card deserves to be explained.
On the front:
a picture of a cow that just pooped.
The steam from the poop creates a heart.
On the inside it says:
"Thanks for putting up with all my crap." "I will love you for heifer."
I thought it was very fitting in more ways then one.
Then I realized it's a sad day when we use bovine creatures to profess our love and thanks.

I also received a box of chocolates. In which I ate all the carmel one's right away. Cause you know Ryan would want me to have the best ones. Well that's what I told myself as I ate them.

Then for the rest of the week, we have been eating on the cake I made. Red Velvet.... not bad. I think I like it. Except it turns everything red, we look like Hannibal's.
And slowly but surely I'm finishing my chocolates.
Well, the good ones at least. The bad ones, like orange cream and strawberry are gross and I don't like them.

Those ones, I take a bite out of it, and if I don't like it then I put it back. (Don't act like you haven't done it!)
I think to myself "Oh, I'll save that one for Ryan. He'll eat it"

Ryan hates when I do that. (I secretly love it and find it hilarious)
But I tell him, honey I've taken the guessing out for you. Now you know which chocolate is which. You really should thank me. I'm SO unappreciated around here.

I'm Baaaccckkk!

*Knock, Knock. This thing still work?*

I feel like I've been long gone. Long gone for so long.
I love weekends. But only the ones when I don't have to do anything.
This weekend wasn't even in the same ball game. All I did was work. Work work work work work. (The only reprieve I get is bottle feeding the babies. There are five bottle babies now and I love them all.)
Because I'm such a nice wife, I help Ryan during calving. He night calves, as in stay up all night to check cows and sleep all day. So this weekend I stayed up all night and slept all day.
Have you ever done that? Talk about mess with your inner calendar/ time thingy.

Right now I'm at work, and my brain thinks it's time to be sleeping. Last night, I stayed home to sleep. Well once 11:00 hit, my body and brain were like "I'm Up! Let's Party! Or let's clean the house, do the dishes, move the new freezer, clean the laundry room, do some laundry, clean the kitchen and take the trash out."

I can't wait until calving is over. There are 300 plus calves on the ground, we are almost almost half way there. I can't wait.

On another note, have you seen this? It's scary.

Thought you might find this interesting.
I found this interesting and wanted to pass it along.Recently someone had to have their 5-year old German Shepherd dog put down due to liver failure. The dog was completely healthy until a few weeks ago, so they had a necropsy done to see what the cause was. The liver levels were unbelievable, as if the dog had ingested poison of some kind. The dog is kept inside, and when he's outside, someones with him, so the idea of him getting into something unknown was hard to believe.My neighbor started going through all the items in the house. When he got to the Swiffer Wetjet, he noticed, in very tiny print, a warning which stated 'may be harmful to small children and animals.' He called the company to ask what the contents of the cleaning agent are and was astounded to find out that antifreeze is one of the ingredients (actually, he was told it's a compound which is one molecule away from antifreeze). Therefore, just by the dog walking on the floor cleaned with the solution, then licking its own paws, it ingested enough of the solution to destroy its liver.Soon after his dog's death, his housekeepers' two cats also died of liver failure. They both used the Swiffer Wetjet for quick cleanups on their floors. Necropsies weren't done on the cats, so they couldn't file a lawsuit, but he asked that we spread the word to as many people as possible so they don't lose their animals.This is equally harmful to babies and small children that play on the floor a lot and put their fingers in their mouths a lot.PLEASE, EVEN IF YOU DO NOT HAVE BABIES, SMALL CHILDREN OR OWN A PET; PLEASE FORWARD THIS ON! YOU MAY NOT HAVE ANY CHILDREN OR PETS BUT SOME OF YOU HAVE FRIENDS OR FAMILY WITH PETS AND ALSO FAMILIES WITH GRANDCHILDREN AND GREAT GRANDCHILDREN.

Friday, February 13, 2009

Friday the 13th.

Today is that day.
February 13th, 2009. If you are really superstitious you are probably not excited about this day.
I woke up today feeling like I was chewed up and spit out? Rode hard and put away wet? You get it. The crap/ cold/ slow agonizing torture is going around. I woke up looking pretty rough, the mirror wasn't sugar coating anything this morning.

But besides all of that, today is an important day. Today back in 1984 someone was born.
That someone was Ryan.
Today Ryan turns 25.
You know what he said about it last night?
"Finally, my insurance will drop because now I'm 25!"
(It's even funnier, because I agreed with him, just as excited!)

Tonight, I plan on making him a cake. A Red Velvet to be precise.
What says I love you better then Red Velvet cake? Really you just can't even come close, it's Red, it's cake, it's awesome it says "I love you".
I just love birthday's it's a great reason to eat cake!

Happy Birthday goes out to Ryan today.
Happy 25th Birthday to Ryan with love and lower insurance!

Next on the calendar.... Valentines Day! Another really great reason to bake!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

I never should have looked.

Oops.

Dear Credit Card,

Please forgive me for I have opened Pandora's box.
(You know I have always wondered what's really inside Pandora's box)

I went to a clothing store. Online. I clicked on the clearance link.
It was all down hill from there. I'm so ashamed. I have no will power.
(It was a heck of a deal though. Jeans for 19.95, it's a sin to pass that up)

I am a sucker for online purchases. It's a disease, a sickness, a weakness. The sales call to me, I dream of them. I, I feel so.... defeated.
(But at least I'll be wearing some totally cute jeans while hanging my head in shame!)

It's not fair, it's just too easy. All you have to do is click here, browse there, notice something cute, find your size and add to your basket.
It's it's it's insane!

Oh, I give up. This is an on going battle. A battle that I will never win.

Want to join me. Head over to http://www.ae.com to take a look for yourself. They are having a great sale on their jeans and sweaters and shirts and .... well just go take a look.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Checking of the List

The past few days have been crazy and cold and cold and crazy.

Have you ever felt tired, no matter how much sleep you get or what you do to relax, you are just tired? That is what I feel like all the time always. No I'm not pregnant either.
Just tired.

But on an exciting note, I forgot to ravish about my purchases when I went home.
That is right I actually spent some money on me and it was fabulous!
I actually bought pants, not just one pair but 4!
I don't have to wear holy blessed pants anymore! I can actually keep the color of my panties a secret again!
I also got a new pair of shoes and some cute shirts.
The great part about all of this frivolous shopping was it was all on sale! And I kept everything under 100.00 or close, but who is really counting?
The important thing, I got to actually mark some more things off my "What I want to buy this year" list.

I do believe retail therapy is the best and it really does make a person feel better. Why? I'm not sure but gosh it feels great!

Do I sound totally looney now or what? What, I live in the flats and sticks I don't get out much. The bright lights of the city hurts my eyes....
It's a blessing we even have running water. Okay so that part is a lie, but could you imagine if it wasn't?

Side note: I'm so ready for calving season to be over.... Please, please, please, please. I want to go back to normal sleeping hours. I want to have control of the TV again while Ryan is at work.
I'd pay the hallmark channel to STOP showing rerun after rerun of "Walker Texas Ranger" ugh.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

ahh man

Yesterday after work, I had to drive home.

I drove home and realized, the snow was beginning to melt again.
When snow melts and combines with dirt it creates mud.

When I drove through the mud, my new tires flung the mud all over my truck.

My truck is no longer clean and sparkle-y.
For some reason this made me mad beyond reason yesterday.

I got home and assessed the damage.... oh my truck was dirty all right.
There is mud everywhere.
Well, I guess you gotta love those dirt roads.

Well not really, I have a love hate relationship with them.
I love to hate them really.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Whoa.

What a weekend.
Oh, is it possible to have a crush on the tire shop? They gave me a great deal, and allowed me to trade my old tires for credit towards my new ones.

I had fun seeing everyone, and just hanging out. I didn't have to do anything if I didn't want to. It was so nice.
I didn't want to leave, for several reasons. The main one being, I had to leave my dog. I'm not going to elaborate on that, but I do plan on bringing him back next time I'm home.

Anyways, I went shopping with my Mom and two older sisters. It was fun, I spent money and that was fun too. I hadn't been shopping in a long long time. And grocery shopping doesn't count.

While I was gone, we got snow, lots of snow. Okay not tons, but 6 to 8 inches. It's supposed to get really cold this week, back down to single digits, and I was just getting used to the nice weather. I even washed my truck. You should see it, it's so pretty and clean and sparkle-y.
Sparkle-y? well it is my blog.

Other then that, not too much is new in my life or at home. Back to the same ol same ol.
My Laundry heap actually looked happy to see me come home.
Tonight however, I'm going to watch my new movie. I got it for Christmas from my parents.
It's Sex and the City the Movie.
I know I'm way late seeing it, but I live in the country on gnarly dirt roads. So I have a totally reasonable excuse. Right?

Friday, February 6, 2009

What is that saying?

If it weren't for bad luck, I'd have no luck at all....
Or something along those lines.
I now truly believe in that saying.
And I realize, I'm kind of a "Debbie Downer"

Why? Well Ask me about my flat tire. Again!

Yep I had one, yesterday. And no, it wasn't the same tire.

This second flat tire has also brought to my attention that I can no longer "get by" with the tires I have. Why? For several reasons.
1. I live in the country
2. I live on gnarly dirt roads. They are so gnarly they make weak tires cry
3. They have been peed on one to many times. Yes I said peed.
4. 10 ply ride smoother. (Okay so that is a MAJOR lie)


OH, wait. I have a thought right now. You know the breast cancer awareness, everything pink. What if they made a pink tire, and like all the money, or a good chunk of it went to the breast cancer fund?? I would totally by them. (I don't know where these thoughts come from, but sometimes I amaze even myself!) (Don't worry I know you are all laughing at me, or hiding your face in shame, either or I'm okay with it)

Remember when I said I wanted to save my money and by some big things this year?
Well I have now updated that list. And not in a good way.

The new list includes:
New Tires (Why is used rubber so expensive?)
Grill Guard ( for SOB Deer)

All the other things I hopefully wanted have fallen and disappeared.
It's so sad.

On another note. I'm back in the valley for a visit or two.
I'll be sure to report my happenings and of course any other flats I may acquire.

On another note x 2 there were another set of twins born last night in the cow barn.
I wasn't there, but I'm confident that Ryan can handle it with out me. (well for at least a while)

Thursday, February 5, 2009

nothing but a dream

I'm here at work, confirming my thoughts from yesterday.
My days off of work are nothing but whimsical dreams. Totally sucks.

Last night while helping Ryan night calve, there were twins born.
They were so cute and little, so very little. There was a red one and a black one.
Ryan had to put them in the sled to get them to the barn.
The sled is a little device we put baby calves in so they don't have to walk, and it's open so the Mama cows can smell and follow their baby. Hypothetically speaking that is.

The cows for some reason are scared of the sled. It's so funny. When you drive by in the 4 wheeler, they are used to it, no big deal. But when the sled is attached to the 4 wheeler, the cows fall over they are trying to run away so fast. It's really funny and very cheap humor.
You'd laugh too if you ever saw it.

This just in.... my trusty space heater at work just bit the dust. I repeat the heat has left the building. Great, now what will I do. Is it possible to sue a work place for getting frost bite feet? I bet J.G. Wentworth would take that on. (I hate those commercials.)

Have you ever gone back and read some of your older posts?
Yeah I did that once and it made me feel like an idiot. Some of the things I say and type....oy.

Happy Thursday. If Thursday's are the kind of thing that you know... make you happy.

Wednesday, February 4, 2009

Only Wednesday

It feels like it should be Thursday.
I hate when your inner day clock get all off wack.
Makes the weeks drag on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and... oh you get it.


I'm hoping to take the rest of the week off, but if you know my taking off work track record, you'll know this could just be a whimsical dream.

Well here is to another Wednesday for the books that took forever to get here.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Holy Crap, we need help.

Have you ever looked at your surroundings and decided right then and there....
"I need Help!"

Yeah, I'm there. I'm there everywhere.
Work. Home. Cow Doctor. "Help, Heeelllp"

Work.
I'm drowning in a sea of paperwork and mess. Being this unorganized is hard on a person.
I've tried, I seriously genuinely tried to get things in order and organized, but the mess sucks you in. Sucks you in and sucks you dry of your organizing attempts.

Home.
I think I need a maid, or wait. Wait. What if I taught my cats how to use the people potty. Like on that movie "Meet the Parents". It could be done right?
Now only if I could teach my dog to unload the dish washer and vacuum, I'd be all good.

Cow Doctor.
Oy. They suck the sleep right out of your life. Cows have personality, and no two cow's personalities are the same. You have the nice sweet cows, then you have the mean, "I want to eat your face off" cows. I don't like those ones.

On another note:
Outside is wonderful, the sun is shinning and it gives me hope. Hope that one day, I will dig myself out of my sea of paperwork and find the time to unload that darn dish washer.
There is also hope that I will finish painting that dang wall, good lord it will get done.

I wish I had time for fun things, for I would go on vacation and sip cocktails all day by the pool.
Ahh, yes that is what I'm meant to do in life. That is my true purpose, I just know it.
How in the world I ended up here among, paperwork, unloading the dishes, vacuuming, laundry, painting, Cow hoo haw's I'll never know.
Oh well, guess when life throws you lemon's you make lemon sorbet.... right? RIGHT???

Monday, February 2, 2009

So.... who won?

Superbowl Sunday.
Did you watch the game?
I caught part of it, then I passed out from chocolate overload.

I missed out, who won?

Oh the food was wonderful.
I made those brownies with cookie dough in them. (recipe to follow later)
Home made Pico de Gallo
Fresh Guacamole (YUM)
Jalapeno' Poppers (double YUM)

You outta see my kitchen, it's a disaster area. I'll get to it tonight.... maybe.

Oy. This is a long one.

There comes a time in every respective ranch wife's life when you realize some things.
Your season's change and you no longer refer to them as the normal spring, summer, fall, winter.

The season's now fall into different categories.
Gathering Season
Branding Season
Haying Season
Calving Season

The biggest project/ season in my life is Calving season. It's taking over our lives.
Ryan totally understandable, it's his job. He gets paid for it.
Me... not so much. I'm free labor or slavery however you see it.
I'm obligated by marriage to help with all these seasons.
Don't get me wrong, there are the good points. I get to spend time with Ryan and I get to be outside. I like being hands on with things and I don't mind getting down and dirty on the ranch.

What sucks, is the hours you put in. Some people don't really understand what goes into a Ranch to keep it running smoothly.
During Calving season, there is always someone keeping watch over the bovine creatures. Ryan this year is the "Night Calver" meaning he stays up all night with the cows and helps when needed.
This year, much like last year, I'm the "Night Calver Assistant" or as I refer to myself as the "Cow Doctor" There is only one difference, this year I have a job. I don't really get much sleep, but hey how needs it? I mean come on, sleep is for the birds.

All the missed sleep is worth it however, when you see a cute little baby calf. If you haven't ever seen one, you are missing out. They are so soft, and for the most part very gentle and nice to be around. I like to bottle feed the little love muffins.

However, there is a darker side to calving. This dark part for me happens in the heifer barn. (Heifers are first time calvers)
I'm a pretty educated girl when it comes to reproduction. I haven't done it myself yet, but I know what goes down. That being said, those poor poor heifers and I'm not sure I want to reproduce and go through labor.

This weekend, Ryan and I had to pull two calves. (The cowboy has to decide if the cow needs help getting the baby out. They usually give the heifers a couple hours to calve by themselves, but after that for the cow and calf's sake, they need us to help)
The ingredients to pull a calf:
J Lube
The Glove
The Chains
The Hooks
The Jack (oh lord.)

Back Information you need to know:
First, you have to move the heifer to the "Mothering pen" with the head catch. (So the cow can't run away from you.)
First, Put on that glove, you'll need it. It could get messy.
Then "Lube" if needed, to well make things easier.
Then you determine the position of the calf. Get things arranged in there and pull out the legs (hopefully the front legs) and put the chains on both legs.

If you can't hold on to the chains you need to use the hooks to help pull the baby down out of the birthing slew.
Then enter the Jack. (I just got goosebumps)
The jack is designed to keep the calve coming out instead of out, then in, out, then in.

IMPORTANT:
With Heifers and all cows, you want to be as easy and stress free as possible. Wait for a contraction and pull with the cow. This will keep the cow and calf more calm and reduce tearing (more goosebumps) You also have to be careful of when the cow will go down (there is a lot happening and they are tired and in pain, of course they will lay down) But in going down, if the calf is partly out, it could have it's back broken, or other injuries. So you have to be ready for everything.

Okay, now down to the story:

Heifer Helen
Ryan decided this heifer wasn't able to have her calf by herself. The reason was, the calf was just too big and she needed help. So off we go to get her and ourselves prepared.
Heifer in the mothering pen and head catch. Check
Gloves, Chains in place. Check
Enter the Jack and position it into place. Check.
Heifer Helen, begins to contract. Check
Gently begin to help her with the jack during each contraction. Check
Enter in Me. Cow Doctor. Check.
Then I'm given a job, an important horrible job cause well I could feel everything. I seriously thought about sending Heifer Helen flowers with a card saying get well soon.

Ryan said I need to insert my hands in heifer Helen's birthing slew and try to stretch it to accommodate the Goliath calf. So I did it. Please take note, my stomach lurched and turned with every contraction, my heart ached and my girl parts ran away from home and retired in Mexico. I do not, want to go through that.
But oh my lord. With each contraction, you can feel the stretching, the tearing, the bones and joints in the heifer and calf popping. Let me tell you, this calf was HUGE.
But my job was very helpful. I was gently mind you, stretching her so Goliath could enter the world. She had some stretching and very minimal tearing, and she never went down which is very good. That heifer Helen was tough, tougher then me for sure. Plus the calf was okay. All ended well, or so we thought.

Heifer Ursula
Ryan again decided this gal needed some help, for the reason of Goliath Jr. wanted to visit the world.
We are all ready, every precaution is taken.
Everything is in place and ready to begin pulling.
We wait for a contraction to hit and then it all starts.
Again my job, birthing slew stretcher.
The head comes out and I'm saying Hail Mary's for Ursula's birthing slew. This baby is big.
I'm feeling every thing, again with the stomach pains, the lurching, the aching heart and by now my girly parts have died. (the memorial service will be next week)
Ursula goes down, and the calves head is halfway out.
Ryan takes action, continuing to help Ursula birth her giant with each contraction.
I'm talking her through it, like she can understand me. (And still stretching manually)
The calve is now out to his hips, and gets stuck.
Ryan drops the jack, and bear hugs the calf.
He then turns it, so he can get it out.
Goliath Jr. is out. Ursula is relieved, and I want to puke. Poor Ursula is well, her birthing center needs some rehabilitation. If I were here, I'd go on vacation for a year. Heifer Ursula is thankfully okay and her giant calf is too.
The story ends well, but my girly parts will never ever be the same again.

Disclaimer: This is a true story. There were no animals harmed in the making of this story only my girly parts I'm afraid they will never be the same. The birthing nightmare will plague me forever.