Friday, October 30, 2009

District Volleyball Tournaments

The District Volleyball tournament started.
We played our first game at 2:30 against GFCC.
We beat them in 3.

Our second game we played at 8:00 against Highwood.
Highwood and Belt are big rivals. They are rivals from 25 years ago.
We beat them in 5.

Winning that game against Highwood, ensure we are going to Divisional's!

Tonight we play Fort Benton at 6:00.
This is going to be a dog fight.
I can't wait.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Today's Weather

Did I mention it was snowing?

No? Oh well it's snowing.
Correction. It's a blizzard outside.

Our weather forecast is as follows:
Tuesday- it's going to snow all day
Wednesday- it's going to snow all day
Thursday- it's not going to snow, but it will be cloudy
Friday- it's going to snow all day

It's a good thing my Mom got me a windshield brush/scraper thing.
Looks like it's going to come in handy.

The upside to all of this weather.
The only time I will ever think of this weather as an upside.
Is of course due to Hunting Season.

My work = lame

Starting November 1st, I'm going to be put on part time.
That sucks.
This wouldn't be too much of a problem if they give me the raise they promised me 3 months ago...
Starting today, I'm looking for another job.
One where they offer their workers heat!
One where they keep their promises.

Basically in 3 words I can sum up how I feel about my job.
"It sucks balls."

Here is to a day spent searching for stable income!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Saturday night musings

I miss my Husband.
Everyday more then the last.

If I could have but one wish, I would wish for my Husband back.
I miss that Man I Married, the one who looked at me with stars in his eyes.
The one that looked and was happy in every picture.

I will always miss my Husband.
The Man that left was no longer this person.
I have to live among all the reminders, all the memories and it makes my heart want that person back even more.

Some one told me they wished they had the answers. They didn't want to see me so sad that I looked sick everyday.
They told me one day it might get easier.
Maybe that Man I married was my soul mate, and maybe he just changed.
If that is the case, does that mean I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone.
Spend the rest of my life with a heart that hurts and aches for him to come back?

If that is the case, I'm not up to the challenge.
I would cut off my arm just to have him back even if just for a day.

Tomorrow will mark the start of hunting season.
The first hunting season without him.
The first hunting season alone.
I love hunting, but I loved it because of him.

The hard thing for me is to find myself and find the distinction from what used to be us, me and him to just me.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Be careful what you ask for

I asked to be left alone.
I wanted to avoid going over and over our divorce.

I got what I asked for.

He deleted his myspace account.
I know it's dumb, and that our myspace friendship didn't mean we were getting along, or ever getting back together.

But it was a comfort to see him in my top whatever everyday.
It was a glimpse of him everyday, a stupid little comfort that I had.
I liked to look at his page and see me still on his top friends, another dumb little comfort.

I liked that he still had pictures of us up, yet again a dumb empty comfort.

So today when I didn't see him, I realized how much I looked forward to seeing him everyday.
I actually had a lot riding on those dumb empty comfort's.

Maybe it's just been the last couple of days, they have been hard.
2 calls from him, they never go well.
2 calls from family, delivering unplesant news.
2 rumor's running around town about me.

All of that alone has been overwhelming.
This today made it too much.

I'm glad to be going home for the weekend. I need to get away. I need a break.
I need to pull the covers over my head and sleep it away.

Monday I promise not to be so pathetic anymore.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

explain something you don't understand

Some things in life elude us.
The reasoning behind why things happen.
Why things fall the way they do.

Try as I might, I just can't seem to let this one thing go.

Why does he have to call and say the things he does?
I don't mind talking in a normal matter.
I actually like hearing his voice, when it's friendly. It's a nice reminder of why I loved him.

The calls I get however are not for talking.
They are for hurting, and I don't know why.
Why do you call me just to re-hash everything?
Why do you want to go through a divorce every time?

Why do you want to make me cry?

I don't understand it. I don't know how he does it.
I don't hate him.
I would still give him anything.
I still love him.

I can't see the reason or the purpose to call someone who used to be everything to you, just to rip open the old hurt. Just to get a reaction, just to know that you can still hurt them.

I'm not saying I have never made a mistake, I have made many.
I have said hurtful things. I have made him cry.
I still feel horrible for each and everyone of those things that I did.
But I don't call him just to stab the knife home again and again.
I don't call him to place the blame on his shoulders.

I don't understand it.

I wish he could let it go. Let us both move on.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Funny how a phone call changes everything.

I have gotten two phone calls in the past two days that have changed things for me.

The first call was yesterday.
The call from Ryan.
I'm at the point in all of this where I'm okay. I'm okay with how things are going to end.
I'm okay with where I am at this point.
There isn't anything Ryan could say about me right now or what I'm doing right now that could hurt. I think he knows that.

I also think, he knows if he mentions me before any of this, or I more pointedly us before any of this. I think he knows it would still hurt.
I don't understand regret. I thought I used to, I thought I regretted many things.
But now I'm not so sure.

I'm okay with our marriage ending. It's sad, and not what we wanted, but I'm okay with it.
I'm not okay saying we wasted 2 years of our life.
I'm not okay hearing the words "You never loved me."
I'm especially not okay hearing "I regret this. I regret all of this."

Regret means you wish it never happened.
I can't say I regret marrying Ryan.
Because at that moment, at that time in my life. Ryan is exactly what I wanted.
Ryan is what my heart wanted more then anything else.
How can you regret something your heart wanted so badly?

Ryan is extremely good at choosing his words.
If he means to or not, he always chooses the ones that cut the deepest.
The ones that open up the hurt and expose it all over again.

I told him I was sorry he hated me. That I wished he didn't feel that way.
He told me he didn't hate me, but he just couldn't stand me, he just couldn't be forced to help me.

To which I said, "If I was drowning you wouldn't even throw your hand in to pull me out?"
He reply.... "I don't know"

In those 3 words I was blown away.
I heard regret, hatred, disgust and so many other underlying emotions.
Most of all I saw a heart that couldn't have possible wanted me.
I saw a heart that did in fact regret.
All that is left, once again is the raw hurt.

The second phone call came this morning.

Immediately after I heard what they had to say. I could feel the anger boiling. I could feel the anger rising trying to claw it's way out of my throat.
My hands started shaking.

The things that happened to me is one thing. That I can deal with.
But once the line is cross, once it starts happening to my family, starts to My sister. I can't handle that. I can not have that.

Once you go through it yourself, you want better for your family.
No one deserves to be treated that way.
No one deserves to feel so alone.

You are not alone.
You deserve better.
I will fight for you.
This is not okay and it is not acceptable.
You deserve happiness.
DO NOT SETTLE.

Friday, October 16, 2009

It's impossible to escape

Cold season, Flu season. And now the newest worry, Swine flu season.

Having a cold, or the flu takes so much out of you.
When you finally come out feeling okay, you look like a homeless that has slept in the same clothes for several months.

Not to mention your mouth has a disgusting taste stuck to the back of your tongue.
Your body is sore and stiff from lying in bed for so long.
My hair always looks like a rat's nest.

When I make my appearance out of my room after being sick I make a beeline for the shower.
A shower has the amazing ability to make you feel like a new person!

Thank goodness it's Friday.
Thank goodness I'm on the upside of the cold!
Thank goodness for showers!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Yesterday

I had the day off.
It was so nice. Well the weather was cold, it was snowing.

I used my time wisely.
I snuggled up on the couch and I finally joined the rest of America an watched "Twilight"

It was good.
However, if it was made a teenage love story to make those of us, who are now single lonely. Then it was a MOVIE SUCCESS!

In all seriousness though, I really don't like Vampire fake movies, but I liked the movie.

No I could definitely see what every one sees in Edward so much more, if only they'd add a cowboy hat.... hmmm.
It's a sickness I know.

Cheer's to a day off!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

So this is what it looks like?

Turning 25 that is.
This is what it looks like to turn 25.
This is what it looks like to be in your Mid twenties.
This is what it looks like when you only have 5 years to 30.








I already miss being in my early twenties...
I thought by 25 I'd have a baby on the hip.... ha ha ho ho wooo.

Can I please have a moment of silence for my early twenties. Ah yes, I will miss them.

Monday, October 5, 2009

weekend recap

My weekend was busy, dangerous, expensive, fun all at once.
I know what your thinking... and no I'm not being dramatic.
Really my weekend was all of these things.


Saturday:
We went to an all day volleyball tournament. This was busy, fun and dangerous!
The dangerous part, several student who go to the school that hosted the tournament have the Swine Flu..... I told you it was dangerous.

Alas we are all okay (knock on wood) we all probably over dosed on hand sanitizer, and I think used 85% of the school's hand soap.
The fun part to the day was... Our team won the tournament. Yes we are the champions!


Sunday:
Nothing relaxes a person like retail shopping right?
So that's what I did.

I like to think I didn't buy anything to impulsive. That I really needed everything I bought.
Like this for example, I couldn't go on without it.
Seriously could you?
Okay okay, in my defense. I really bought it for the lamp shade, but the base is cool too right?
AND it was on clearance. Stop shaking your head at me!
It's from Pier One (a store that I really have no self control in) BUT it was on clearance, it's okay! This lamp was $50.00 and I got it for $29.98. A steal if you ask me.
Side Note: Now I have to figure out the perfect place for it..... and I don't have a house of my own. Hello challenge of the month. Lets see how much stuff I can stuff in one room. If you knew my Grandmother (love her) you would know I'm pretty darned talented in the cramming of stuff in one room! It's a gift really.
The shoes I bought for $4.95 was a good buy as well. But they have to go back. Not because I don't love them, but because the right shoe is a size 9 and the left is a size 7, unfortunately for me, my feet just don't work like that.
Hope you have a great Monday.
Mine started with snow.... woohoo