Behind it all

warning: I have some personal things just sitting and festering. They are starting to leak out. This is how I feel and I can't hold it in anymore. If I don't write it down here, I may have a nervous break down. This is my blog. This is my outlet.

I don't care if you don't like it. Don't read it... you have been warned.

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I am a guarded, jaded person. I wasn't always like this. I was always a private person, only showed what I wanted. The big difference from then to now? I never used to have to pretend to be happy. I never used to have to force a smile.

No one knows how I feel. Half the time, I don't really know how I feel. I have too much going through my head to sort through it all.

It's easier to hide and keep my face down when things get hard. No one wants to deal with the ugly, unhappy things.

So I hide everything. I save it to deal with later, when I am by myself.

I have to fight my tears everyday. When I can't fight them, I hide them.

You don't know what I feel. I'm not sure it would be understood.

I'm not sure anyone knows the real me. They only know what I choose to show.

I'm not sure people could really understand.

I don't think people would think I'm ok.

I don't think anyone understands that still my heart hurts and aches.

I don't think they understand that it's hard to get up in the morning, it's hard to breathe.

I don't think anyone knows how far I push myself and force that smile.

They don't know how hard it is. All they ask for is more and more.

I have had enough and I'm tired. I can't do it anymore.

I don't care anymore.

I'm not in a place in my life to be all puppies, flowers and love.
It's not fair that you ask so much of me.

I'm trying to do the best I can but enough is enough.

Everything keeps adding up and adds another brick to the wall.

A wall that keeps everything out, and me wonderfully numb.

Give me a break, or I'm afraid the wall will never leave. I will never heal.