Small update and good news!

February has come and gone, it has been a weird winter for Montana
with snow that comes and goes quickly and some very warm weather.
Today is one of these strange beautiful days, no wind, no snow, blue skies
and the sun is out!

I really hope we are not going to end up with snow in June! I will keep
my fingers crossed just to be safe.

On to the good news, I have two scheduled photo shoots this week.
Both of which I will post early next week.

Here is to a BEAUTIFUL Monday!

As it happens, I'm still alive.

I love my job.
However it takes up a lot of time... obviously!
My normal day consists of hauling my chain saw around all day and cut down trees.
This to me is fun, I love being outside.

When we get the lucky chance to be dispatched out on fire we do that.
Fire is the ultimate high. It's a dirty job but SO much fun!
I really love my job.

Other then that I've been camping and just hanging out.
I will be posting some pictures to keep you entertained for the next 3 months.

and I'm totally not kidding.

Do over??

Can I get a do over?
I would like a do over for spring?

I understand rain is a must for spring, however snow.... not so much.

I'm sick and tired of snow.
Send it back, we don't need it anymore.

Thanks in advance.

I'm Alive! I just got a job!!!

Yeah you read that right. I got a job.
Doing what?
I am an official Fire Fighter for the Forest Service.
I'm just wrapping up my 2nd week and I love it.
Today we got to go out to a unit to burn.
I am actually getting to use my degree some! It's so exciting!!
So make up for my absence, I will post some pictures.

Yay for loving your job.
Yay for having a job!

It's Friday

Usually today is the one day of the week that bring workers joy.
Today it has a slightly different meaning.

Today is my last day at work. My last day at this job here.

Do I have another job I'm moving too.... um sadly no.

Do I have all my bills paid for this month... fortunately yes.
(although next month.... I don't know what I will do)

I'm hoping this month I can find a job! I'm worried yes of course, but I'm also hopeful.
And I can't lie, most of this hope I feel has to do with the weather. It's nice outside, so naturally it puts a pretty spin on things. And not to mention makes me in a much better mood all around.
(there are a few people who will probably rejoice in that fact...)

The work place is a little tough right now, but there are jobs out there.

To be honest my biggest concern is finding a job that WILL be flexible with my coaching hours.

So here is to the weekend!
One filled with fun, one filled with friends, and one filled with frugality's!

Keep your fingers crossed that this homegirl can find herself a JOB!

Have a good weekend. Also check back later.
I will post more pictures this evening.

I'm Baacckkk!

Did anyone miss me??

.....

um hello? anyone still there?

anyone? Buller?



Well on the off chance that some people have the misfortune to stumble across my blog from time to time... how bout an update.

I won the lottery, bought a house, met the man of my dreams and have a job I love.





And then I woke up. Best dream I ever had!


Seriously... What have I been up too?
WELL since you are so curious, I will fill you all in.

Valentines Day came and went... I didn't do much. I went to dinner. The food was so good!
What did I have? Budlight Clam, I mean really it's the classy thing to do no?

I have officially applied to 20 jobs. I have officially received 0 call backs.
I am officially starting to get worried I will have to move back home.

I ran 1.16 miles yesterday. I plan on running 2 miles today.
I'm slightly worried about myself... what is wrong with me?? Where did the girl who hates to run go?

I have a friend who had a baby. Cacellia... she is such a precious baby girl.
I with the permission of Mama, am allowed to take pictures!
I can't wait.

I love my camera.
I love chocolate.
I hate Valentines Day.
I'm getting annoyed with Job hunting.
I want to buy my own house.
I want to buy my own house with some property so I can have all my animals with me.

And that is about all I've got.
So you see, you really haven't missed much.
I'm still alive, still random as ever and still love my camera.



Here is to Hump Day. Only 2 more days until the weekend!

and now a word from our sponsor...

Wow, my blog looks like an art gallery.
Picture overload much??
Apparently I need to learn things in moderation.
Moderation is good.

I just wanted to write an update....

I am okay.

Really. Truly and Honestly. I am okay.

I don't have to keep saying it over an over again, just so I believe it.

Sure there are days I remember something and I get a little sad thinking about it.
But it doesn't consume me anymore, I can think back and remember things and when the memory has played out. I can go back to my day.

I feel like I am in a good spot.
A spot where I can talk about what happened and not burst into tears if the wrong thing is said.
I'm in a place where I can separate the good and the bad.
Better yet? I'm in a place where I can admit yes it was sad that things happened the way they did. But we just weren't happy, it wasn't going to work out.

I'm ready for my new start.
I'm content at the moment, making me happy first.
And that is Okay.

Not what I expected.... but I'll take it!

Yesterday was an emotional roller coaster.
The day before that was also an emotional roller coaster.

For one reason and one reason alone. Ryan.
do you see a pattern here?

Anyways....
Wednesday night he called me about a Verizon bill.
Did we talk? No
Did we fight? Yes
Is that normal? For us yes, which is why we do not belong together.
During said fight, he let slip he had a new girlfriend.
My response: "Whoa, that was fast?"
His: "Yeah, it was fast."
Me: "So are you two in LOOOOVE?"
Him: "Yeah, we are"
Me: "That is disgusting."
Him: "whatever."
Me: "So did you EVER really love me at all? I mean how can you replace someone that fast?"
Him: He said something, but I don't remember what. And this is my story!
Me: "Wow, way to rebound, that is awesome."
Him: Insert more yelling, and bad words. Oh don't forget the name calling.
Me: Two can play at that game. insert more bad words, yelling and yes even name calling
Then he hung up.

1 minute later the phone rings.
Me: "WHAT?"
Him: "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have yelled. I don't want to fight, I don't care anymore. If you could please take care of the bill, I would appreciate it."
Me: "Why didn't you just ask like that in the first place. OK I will do what I can."
Him: "Thank you. This is why we aren't together. You pooped on me for 8 months, I couldn't take it anymore."
Me: "Really? No Really? I pooped on you? Well it goes both ways."
Him; "I'm not perfect."
Me: "Nope, no one is."
Me: "Are you happy? Really happy?"
Him: "Yeah I am."
Me: "Good. I want that for you. I really do. I also wish we could be civil and friendly."
Him: "I can never be your friend. Maybe in 10 years, but I just can't stand you."
Me: "Oh, that's too bad. Good luck with things."
Him: "yeah, have a nice life."



Needless to say I was 21 different shades of upset by this. And by upset I mean pissed.
He was supposed to make one call for me and he couldn't. But he could call me to yell? UM No that's not cool. Also it really bothered me that he could move on so quickly and be all "in loooove". It hasn't even been a month since things were finalized.
Finally I fell asleep, after I thought and thought and brooded and cried. I fell asleep.

Yesterday I was doing somewhat better.
That is until I found out whom this bright new girlfriend is....
I won't say names.
However this girl is a senior in high school.
Say it with me.... Ahhh WHAT??
yeah you heard me. A senior.

After I found this out I was seething. I was burning with anger.
He always told me I was so immature, not mature enough for kids, blah blah blah.
And he does this??
Well long story short....
I was mad, really really mad.
But the anger ran it's course. And I'm not mad anymore.
I really don't care anymore.
I can laugh about it now.
Later that night, I was told he called a mutual friend to tell them "She might call you and tell you I was mean to her, but I wasn't."
I laughed..... Really? And I'm too immature?

Right now at this moment I'm glad.
I'm glad it happened, and I'm glad I was told.
It gave me that extra push.
It forced me to get so mad and to let my anger run out.
It pushed me to let go.

Does this mean I'm immune to him? Probably not.
Will I have some lapses and maybe get sad.... sure that is normal.

Yesterday though I did something I haven't been able to do.
I deleted pictures, and text messages. I threw out some of his stuff I just couldn't before.
And I also joined face book. Before I didn't because I didn't want to "run into" him, but that thought doesn't really bother me.

He was a part of my past, and he always will be. He is no longer a part of my future.
I'm going to stop trying to walk forward while looking behind me. I'm looking forward from now on.

For once I feel at peace.
I must say it is an awesome feeling.

Here is to 2009

Well I'm back home, I'm back to work.
Being home was good and I suppose bad in some ways.

The good part was I got the much needed break from here.
I love it here, but not necessarily my situation here.
The other good part was I got to see my family and friends.


The bad part was everything was consumed by wedding planning and wedding thoughts.
I did good, better then I thought I would to be honest.
After the rehearsal dinner I had had enough and went out. I got so drunk, and then so so sick.
Was it worth it? Yes, I needed some kind of a release.
The annoying part was then dealing with family and wedding when I was hung over.
Sorry but you don't understand some things, and I wanted an escape.
My escape just happened to be in liquid form. If you don't like it, I don't care.

The wedding was nice, it really was.
I am glad I was able to be a part of it.
I was even nice during my speech.
I kept it short, sweet and funny.
Don't ask me what was really said during the ceremony, I zoned out. I had to just let the words go in one ear and out the other. This method worked well for me.
I hope they make things work, and I hope they are happy.

Another realization I had while being home.... I don't want to live there. Ever again.
Its nice to visit, but I prefer a much different crowd these days.
When I go to the bar, I want to hear good music. Not all hip hop.
I want to be able to dance, really dance. Not drunken rubbing on random people.
When I look at guys I want them to be rough, rugged and preferably a cowboy. Not this pretty pretty dude with clean hands, nicer clothes then me and a fake tan.

I can only handle that dumb crap for a certain amount of time.

My new years resolution is a couple things.
And these things are all for me.
1. To workout again... consistently. I want to feel good about myself again.
2. To be nice again, this one I'm afraid will take me a while, if I ever can be nice again.
3. To really and honestly let go. I've been holding on to him for way too long, and it's time to move on.
4. For now I want to spend the year single. I was never really alone, and I need to take the time to be okay with myself and to really work through all my feelings and let go.
I think this will help me move on.
5. The last and I think most important is to make MYSELF happy again.

So lets raise our glass to 2009. It's been a long, hard year and I'm so glad it's over.
Here is to a new start, a new life and a new beginning.
May our glasses and our hearts always be full.
Here is to the New Year.

If I had a house...

(which I don't) I would decorate it. I love to decorate.
Without decorations it doesn't FEEL like Christmas to me.
To get the ol Christmas Spirit Rocking I would need:

1 Christmas Tree

1 pinch and 1 dash of festive decorations

1 pretty picture to hang above the fireplace

1 cowboy to love & to keep me warm at night

Lots of Babies with said Cowboy

Okay so the last 3 are things I would love to have year round...

With those 3 things I could be happy again.

every beginning has an end

Wednesday, December 16th 2009

Today at exactly 1:30 pm it is over.

Today is the end of this current chapter.

Today at exactly 1:31 pm it is just beginning.

Today is the beginning of a new chapter.

I feel like this is an appropriate ending. It's the same way things started.
In the beginning you spend all this time, all this build up for that one day. That one special day.

I now realize the same thing happens in the end.
The past year has been a build up for today. This one life changing day.

I am anxious, scared, sad, happy and confused all at once just like I was when it all started, 2 years ago.
I wonder what life will bring now? What will this chapter hold for me?

Behind it all

warning: I have some personal things just sitting and festering. They are starting to leak out. This is how I feel and I can't hold it in anymore. If I don't write it down here, I may have a nervous break down. This is my blog. This is my outlet.

I don't care if you don't like it. Don't read it... you have been warned.

.............................................

I am a guarded, jaded person. I wasn't always like this. I was always a private person, only showed what I wanted. The big difference from then to now? I never used to have to pretend to be happy. I never used to have to force a smile.

No one knows how I feel. Half the time, I don't really know how I feel. I have too much going through my head to sort through it all.

It's easier to hide and keep my face down when things get hard. No one wants to deal with the ugly, unhappy things.

So I hide everything. I save it to deal with later, when I am by myself.

I have to fight my tears everyday. When I can't fight them, I hide them.

You don't know what I feel. I'm not sure it would be understood.

I'm not sure anyone knows the real me. They only know what I choose to show.

I'm not sure people could really understand.

I don't think people would think I'm ok.

I don't think anyone understands that still my heart hurts and aches.

I don't think they understand that it's hard to get up in the morning, it's hard to breathe.

I don't think anyone knows how far I push myself and force that smile.

They don't know how hard it is. All they ask for is more and more.

I have had enough and I'm tired. I can't do it anymore.

I don't care anymore.

I'm not in a place in my life to be all puppies, flowers and love.
It's not fair that you ask so much of me.

I'm trying to do the best I can but enough is enough.

Everything keeps adding up and adds another brick to the wall.

A wall that keeps everything out, and me wonderfully numb.

Give me a break, or I'm afraid the wall will never leave. I will never heal.

Slightly New Development

I have decided I want to move.
Well no correction.... I have wanted to move for a while.
But the money prospect has always dropped my brakes and transmission and given me a flat tire.
Translation... I have minimal funds stored.
I am living off my own income.
I can't afford rent.

The New Development of which I speak?
I have set myself a goal.
Will I reach it? I don't have a clue, but just in case cross your fingers.
For most of the houses I really like (I have expensive taste)
And well, the area I want to move too is still rather expensive, the crash hasn't hit too hard yet.
Anyways, I digress.
20% down is on average $40,000.00

My goal? To save my money obviously. In addition to this I'm also going to purge a lot of my crap i.e. Wedding stuff I will NEVER use again, and potentially his wedding ring (maybe... actually no. I changed my mind. Not ready for that one just yet)
I'm going to give a lot of my clothes to a consignment store as well as shoes.... that will be hard.

I may or may not (haven't completely decided yet) buy a camera...
Eeep... say what? Thought you were saving money no?

Yes, but if I buy a good camera, I love photography you see.
If I get good enough, maybe people will buy my pictures or throw me a bone and insist I take their little darling children's senior pictures.
That will of course = money.
Money I can save!
And I will be doing something I love!
Brilliant no?

It's okay don't be jealous, I don't sleep at night there fore I have a lot of time on my hands to ponder my future.

Mind you this goal is a 5-10 year goal I think.... ugh.

Santa,

All I want for Christmas is to win the lottery!
Can you give me a hand?
Well that or a house... either or I'm not the picky sort!

Thank you,
Always a believer.

My Weekend

Saturday: woke up early to go hunting.
Was hunting all day.... didn't see a darn thing.

Sunday: I was dreaming.
My crying woke me up. Wrote about it.
Wished that would happen, but alas this is the real world.

Sat around the house for a while.
Finally went out hunting again.
Walked my butt clean off.
Didn't see anything.

Monday Morning: I was dreaming again.
Again my crying woke me up. I wrote about it again.
This time, I don't wish it would happen like that.
One line "I love you, but...." Never a good thing.

Something I have realized....
My dreams are too real sometimes.
My dreams wake me up too early.
When I wake up I remember it all feel, smell and every other single detail.
And the final thing I have realized
LOVE STINKS.

Stay classy, and have a great Monday.

Neither here nor there

Yesterday after work I decided to work out.
My workout? I picked stair laps.
I ran a total of 6. I thought I was going to die.
Today my goal is 8.
I really like to work hard and push myself. (please tell me you caught that sarcasm)

Last night I cut up meat. Elk meat.
The last time I had done this, it was with Ryan sitting next to me.
As small or unimportant as it may seem, I don't want to replace all those memories.
Every time I do something we used to do by myself, I'm left with a sad bitter feeling.
It sucks.

To make matters worse. Matters??? Maybe my personal emotional roller coaster is a better way to describe that.
On my drive back to the house.
A song came on the radio.
A song I used to listen to often in college.
A song that I used to listen too because I saw me and Ryan in that song.
This song brought back all those memories. The hopeful ones. The hopeful young ones, where you still find yourself looking forward to so much in life. When I was so trustful and happy.
All I had the energy to do about it was cry.
Drive and cry.
I'm getting good at it.
When your alone, you have time to think.
Thinking isn't always a good thing. Thinking makes you remember and makes you feel.
I hate feeling.
Most days I can hide it. Can force the smile anyways.
But when all those feelings bubble over.
They consume me, and it's hard to even breathe.

A boy who reminds me of Ryan so long ago came over.
It was strange sitting and talking to that boy.
Listening to what he wants out of life.
It was like I was sitting with Ryan 6 years ago in his truck listening to his music.
Talking for hours.
Talking about our hopes, what we want in life.
Listening to a song over and over that would leave me crying several years later.

I want to hold on to those times, those memories so bad my mind hurts from trying to remember every detail.
How I felt, How he looked, how he smelled, how he smiled, the butterflies in my stomach.
The way we could just be together and be entertained and so wrapped up in each other the hours would literally fly by.

It's enough to almost make me never leave the house and never turn on my radio again.

Saturday night musings

I miss my Husband.
Everyday more then the last.

If I could have but one wish, I would wish for my Husband back.
I miss that Man I Married, the one who looked at me with stars in his eyes.
The one that looked and was happy in every picture.

I will always miss my Husband.
The Man that left was no longer this person.
I have to live among all the reminders, all the memories and it makes my heart want that person back even more.

Some one told me they wished they had the answers. They didn't want to see me so sad that I looked sick everyday.
They told me one day it might get easier.
Maybe that Man I married was my soul mate, and maybe he just changed.
If that is the case, does that mean I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone.
Spend the rest of my life with a heart that hurts and aches for him to come back?

If that is the case, I'm not up to the challenge.
I would cut off my arm just to have him back even if just for a day.

Tomorrow will mark the start of hunting season.
The first hunting season without him.
The first hunting season alone.
I love hunting, but I loved it because of him.

The hard thing for me is to find myself and find the distinction from what used to be us, me and him to just me.

Be careful what you ask for

I asked to be left alone.
I wanted to avoid going over and over our divorce.

I got what I asked for.

He deleted his myspace account.
I know it's dumb, and that our myspace friendship didn't mean we were getting along, or ever getting back together.

But it was a comfort to see him in my top whatever everyday.
It was a glimpse of him everyday, a stupid little comfort that I had.
I liked to look at his page and see me still on his top friends, another dumb little comfort.

I liked that he still had pictures of us up, yet again a dumb empty comfort.

So today when I didn't see him, I realized how much I looked forward to seeing him everyday.
I actually had a lot riding on those dumb empty comfort's.

Maybe it's just been the last couple of days, they have been hard.
2 calls from him, they never go well.
2 calls from family, delivering unplesant news.
2 rumor's running around town about me.

All of that alone has been overwhelming.
This today made it too much.

I'm glad to be going home for the weekend. I need to get away. I need a break.
I need to pull the covers over my head and sleep it away.

Monday I promise not to be so pathetic anymore.

explain something you don't understand

Some things in life elude us.
The reasoning behind why things happen.
Why things fall the way they do.

Try as I might, I just can't seem to let this one thing go.

Why does he have to call and say the things he does?
I don't mind talking in a normal matter.
I actually like hearing his voice, when it's friendly. It's a nice reminder of why I loved him.

The calls I get however are not for talking.
They are for hurting, and I don't know why.
Why do you call me just to re-hash everything?
Why do you want to go through a divorce every time?

Why do you want to make me cry?

I don't understand it. I don't know how he does it.
I don't hate him.
I would still give him anything.
I still love him.

I can't see the reason or the purpose to call someone who used to be everything to you, just to rip open the old hurt. Just to get a reaction, just to know that you can still hurt them.

I'm not saying I have never made a mistake, I have made many.
I have said hurtful things. I have made him cry.
I still feel horrible for each and everyone of those things that I did.
But I don't call him just to stab the knife home again and again.
I don't call him to place the blame on his shoulders.

I don't understand it.

I wish he could let it go. Let us both move on.

Funny how a phone call changes everything.

I have gotten two phone calls in the past two days that have changed things for me.

The first call was yesterday.
The call from Ryan.
I'm at the point in all of this where I'm okay. I'm okay with how things are going to end.
I'm okay with where I am at this point.
There isn't anything Ryan could say about me right now or what I'm doing right now that could hurt. I think he knows that.

I also think, he knows if he mentions me before any of this, or I more pointedly us before any of this. I think he knows it would still hurt.
I don't understand regret. I thought I used to, I thought I regretted many things.
But now I'm not so sure.

I'm okay with our marriage ending. It's sad, and not what we wanted, but I'm okay with it.
I'm not okay saying we wasted 2 years of our life.
I'm not okay hearing the words "You never loved me."
I'm especially not okay hearing "I regret this. I regret all of this."

Regret means you wish it never happened.
I can't say I regret marrying Ryan.
Because at that moment, at that time in my life. Ryan is exactly what I wanted.
Ryan is what my heart wanted more then anything else.
How can you regret something your heart wanted so badly?

Ryan is extremely good at choosing his words.
If he means to or not, he always chooses the ones that cut the deepest.
The ones that open up the hurt and expose it all over again.

I told him I was sorry he hated me. That I wished he didn't feel that way.
He told me he didn't hate me, but he just couldn't stand me, he just couldn't be forced to help me.

To which I said, "If I was drowning you wouldn't even throw your hand in to pull me out?"
He reply.... "I don't know"

In those 3 words I was blown away.
I heard regret, hatred, disgust and so many other underlying emotions.
Most of all I saw a heart that couldn't have possible wanted me.
I saw a heart that did in fact regret.
All that is left, once again is the raw hurt.

The second phone call came this morning.

Immediately after I heard what they had to say. I could feel the anger boiling. I could feel the anger rising trying to claw it's way out of my throat.
My hands started shaking.

The things that happened to me is one thing. That I can deal with.
But once the line is cross, once it starts happening to my family, starts to My sister. I can't handle that. I can not have that.

Once you go through it yourself, you want better for your family.
No one deserves to be treated that way.
No one deserves to feel so alone.

You are not alone.
You deserve better.
I will fight for you.
This is not okay and it is not acceptable.
You deserve happiness.
DO NOT SETTLE.

Idiot Move starring Me.

Have you ever had a moment you wish you could take back.
Yeah that happened to me on Saturday.

I was told something horrible. I let it get to me and I got really upset.
So I lashed out in the text message form.

The text message was received, and of course didn't make the other party happy.
They wanted to know who told me the information.
I wouldn't give the name.

So this text message receiver made call after call until he got what he wanted.

Great.
Now I'm orchestrating clean up.

If I could I would take it back.
I feel horrible but the damage is already done.

Now it's time for me to be the big girl and apologize for my actions.

Eating crow sucks.