Tuesday, December 29, 2009

Why I love coming home








Seeing them makes me feel like I'm home.
Only someone who grew up around mountains would really understand it.

Friday, December 25, 2009

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!


I hope everyone has a wonderful Holiday Season.

Friday, December 18, 2009

If I had a house...

(which I don't) I would decorate it. I love to decorate.
Without decorations it doesn't FEEL like Christmas to me.
To get the ol Christmas Spirit Rocking I would need:



1 Christmas Tree

1 pinch and 1 dash of festive decorations

1 pretty picture to hang above the fireplace



1 cowboy to love & to keep me warm at night

Lots of Babies with said Cowboy
Okay so the last 3 are things I would love to have year round...
With those 3 things I could be happy again.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

every beginning has an end

Wednesday, December 16th 2009

Today at exactly 1:30 pm it is over.

Today is the end of this current chapter.

Today at exactly 1:31 pm it is just beginning.

Today is the beginning of a new chapter.

I feel like this is an appropriate ending. It's the same way things started.
In the beginning you spend all this time, all this build up for that one day. That one special day.

I now realize the same thing happens in the end.
The past year has been a build up for today. This one life changing day.

I am anxious, scared, sad, happy and confused all at once just like I was when it all started, 2 years ago.
I wonder what life will bring now? What will this chapter hold for me?

Monday, December 14, 2009

Behind it all

warning: I have some personal things just sitting and festering. They are starting to leak out. This is how I feel and I can't hold it in anymore. If I don't write it down here, I may have a nervous break down. This is my blog. This is my outlet.
I don't care if you don't like it. Don't read it... you have been warned.
.............................................
I am a guarded, jaded person. I wasn't always like this. I was always a private person, only showed what I wanted. The big difference from then to now? I never used to have to pretend to be happy. I never used to have to force a smile.

No one knows how I feel. Half the time, I don't really know how I feel. I have too much going through my head to sort through it all.

It's easier to hide and keep my face down when things get hard. No one wants to deal with the ugly, unhappy things.
So I hide everything. I save it to deal with later, when I am by myself.

I have to fight my tears everyday. When I can't fight them, I hide them.
You don't know what I feel. I'm not sure it would be understood.
I'm not sure anyone knows the real me. They only know what I choose to show.
I'm not sure people could really understand.
I don't think people would think I'm ok.
I don't think anyone understands that still my heart hurts and aches.
I don't think they understand that it's hard to get up in the morning, it's hard to breathe.
I don't think anyone knows how far I push myself and force that smile.
They don't know how hard it is. All they ask for is more and more.
I have had enough and I'm tired. I can't do it anymore.
I don't care anymore.
I'm not in a place in my life to be all puppies, flowers and love.
It's not fair that you ask so much of me.
I'm trying to do the best I can but enough is enough.
Everything keeps adding up and adds another brick to the wall.
A wall that keeps everything out, and me wonderfully numb.
Give me a break, or I'm afraid the wall will never leave. I will never heal.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

beautiful envy


Legends say that hummingbirds float free of time, carrying our hopes for love, joy and celebration. Like a hummingbird, we aspire to hover and savor each moment as it passes, embrace all that life has to offer and to celebrate the joy of everyday.
The hummingbird's delicate grace reminds us that life is rich, beauty is everywhere, every personal connection has meaning and that laughter is life's sweetest creation.
Papyrus

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Tuesday Night

It's cold tonight. No it's really cold.
We are topping out a whopping -36 degrees. This does not include windchill.

Yesterday I didn't have to work, because it was cold.
And they didn't have any heat in the office.
So I went to a friends house and hung out.
To keep myself entertained, I had a photo shoot... with myself.

Here are the results....


Isn't my life grand?
Your jealous aren't you? right? RIGHT??

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Dream Catcher

Last night while I slept, I was dreaming.
It was good, crazy and a little strange.

I remember not wanting to open my eyes, and have my dream flutter away with the morning light. I fought to stay asleep as long as I could, putting off work and the new day.
I was trying to linger in the sweet escape that dream offered me.

Eventually when I did wake up, I could recall pretty vividly everything about my dream.
There were good parts that made my belly have butterflies.
There were crazy parts, I could see him smiling, but I couldn't make the rest of his face come to mind. I could feel his skin beneath my hands as I touched his hands and his arms.
I can even remember liking the way he smelled.
The strange part was I was suddenly in a room full of people I'm not sure where or who all these people were. All I know is they stuck around when all I wanted them to do was leave.
I wanted them to leave so I could be alone with him.

I don't have the slightest clue who "He" is. I never could really see his face, only his smile.

All I know is that smile brought me comfort, that smile made me feel good.
I felt whole again around that smile.

As the day went on, I tried to re-live my dream I tried to bring those images and those feelings to the fore front of my mind again.
Every time it was harder to concentrate on the details, harder to grasp at my dream.
I could see it fluttering in front of my eyes, I reach to grab it but my fingers go right through it as if I was reaching for the wind.

The only thing I remember for sure was that it was a good, crazy and somewhat strange dream I didn't want to wake up from.

Maybe tonight I will have the same dream.
Maybe I will be able to remember it after.
I want to keep this dream.

Even though it was only a dream, for a while I was happy with someone else.
Who that someone else is? I don't know, it doesn't really matter to me.

What matters is I know if I can dream me being with someone else. It eventually will happen.
I will be happy again.
I will be able to smile easily again.
I will be able to love again.
I won't have to be alone.

I'm going to catch this dream one day.

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

early bird

Sometime last week, I went elk hunting.
I had to get up early.
I had to hike all over the mountains looking for elk.
We didn't see anything. I basically took my gun for a walk.
However being up before the sun, and watching the sun rise on top of the mountain made it all worth it.
I adore sunsets.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Weekend Recap

The Cast: Anne and Me

The Trophy: 2009 Muley Buck

It's not hunting unless you get a little on ya.


24 inches wide
Yes, that is blood on my cheek. What?
300 yards. One shot. I Love Hunting.

Style is important. Even Hunting.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Slightly New Development

I have decided I want to move.
Well no correction.... I have wanted to move for a while.
But the money prospect has always dropped my brakes and transmission and given me a flat tire.
Translation... I have minimal funds stored.
I am living off my own income.
I can't afford rent.

The New Development of which I speak?
I have set myself a goal.
Will I reach it? I don't have a clue, but just in case cross your fingers.
For most of the houses I really like (I have expensive taste)
And well, the area I want to move too is still rather expensive, the crash hasn't hit too hard yet.
Anyways, I digress.
20% down is on average $40,000.00

My goal? To save my money obviously. In addition to this I'm also going to purge a lot of my crap i.e. Wedding stuff I will NEVER use again, and potentially his wedding ring (maybe... actually no. I changed my mind. Not ready for that one just yet)
I'm going to give a lot of my clothes to a consignment store as well as shoes.... that will be hard.

I may or may not (haven't completely decided yet) buy a camera...
Eeep... say what? Thought you were saving money no?

Yes, but if I buy a good camera, I love photography you see.
If I get good enough, maybe people will buy my pictures or throw me a bone and insist I take their little darling children's senior pictures.
That will of course = money.
Money I can save!
And I will be doing something I love!
Brilliant no?

It's okay don't be jealous, I don't sleep at night there fore I have a lot of time on my hands to ponder my future.

Mind you this goal is a 5-10 year goal I think.... ugh.

Santa,

All I want for Christmas is to win the lottery!
Can you give me a hand?
Well that or a house... either or I'm not the picky sort!

Thank you,
Always a believer.

Monday, November 16, 2009

This just in

The FedEx guy gives me the creeps.

Thanks for the package dude. But I don't want to talk about my weekend....with you.
And stop calling me by name, it makes you even creepier.
Thank you and goodbye.

My Weekend

Saturday: woke up early to go hunting.
Was hunting all day.... didn't see a darn thing.

Sunday: I was dreaming.
My crying woke me up. Wrote about it.
Wished that would happen, but alas this is the real world.

Sat around the house for a while.
Finally went out hunting again.
Walked my butt clean off.
Didn't see anything.

Monday Morning: I was dreaming again.
Again my crying woke me up. I wrote about it again.
This time, I don't wish it would happen like that.
One line "I love you, but...." Never a good thing.

Something I have realized....
My dreams are too real sometimes.
My dreams wake me up too early.
When I wake up I remember it all feel, smell and every other single detail.
And the final thing I have realized
LOVE STINKS.

Stay classy, and have a great Monday.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Neither here nor there

Yesterday after work I decided to work out.
My workout? I picked stair laps.
I ran a total of 6. I thought I was going to die.
Today my goal is 8.
I really like to work hard and push myself. (please tell me you caught that sarcasm)

Last night I cut up meat. Elk meat.
The last time I had done this, it was with Ryan sitting next to me.
As small or unimportant as it may seem, I don't want to replace all those memories.
Every time I do something we used to do by myself, I'm left with a sad bitter feeling.
It sucks.

To make matters worse. Matters??? Maybe my personal emotional roller coaster is a better way to describe that.
On my drive back to the house.
A song came on the radio.
A song I used to listen to often in college.
A song that I used to listen too because I saw me and Ryan in that song.
This song brought back all those memories. The hopeful ones. The hopeful young ones, where you still find yourself looking forward to so much in life. When I was so trustful and happy.
All I had the energy to do about it was cry.
Drive and cry.
I'm getting good at it.
When your alone, you have time to think.
Thinking isn't always a good thing. Thinking makes you remember and makes you feel.
I hate feeling.
Most days I can hide it. Can force the smile anyways.
But when all those feelings bubble over.
They consume me, and it's hard to even breathe.

A boy who reminds me of Ryan so long ago came over.
It was strange sitting and talking to that boy.
Listening to what he wants out of life.
It was like I was sitting with Ryan 6 years ago in his truck listening to his music.
Talking for hours.
Talking about our hopes, what we want in life.
Listening to a song over and over that would leave me crying several years later.

I want to hold on to those times, those memories so bad my mind hurts from trying to remember every detail.
How I felt, How he looked, how he smelled, how he smiled, the butterflies in my stomach.
The way we could just be together and be entertained and so wrapped up in each other the hours would literally fly by.

It's enough to almost make me never leave the house and never turn on my radio again.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

That time already?

Oh boy.
Sunday I was out running some errands.
These errands brought me to Pier One. I love that place.
If I had enough control to not blow all my paychecks there, I would work there!

That's not my point....
My point is they already have Christmas stuff out.
Already.

It's not even Thanksgiving yet.
Hunting Season isn't even over yet.
Speaking of hunting season, I need to get out and fill my tags.

I spent about an hour just walking around looking at all the pretty reds and green's.
All Christmas decorations make me drool. I love to decorate for Christmas!
Then another thought? Do I know what I'm getting people for Christmas yet?
I've started my list. I've checked it twice.
Now I'm saving my money.
The theme this year is.... BUDGET!!

So are you ready?

Monday, November 9, 2009

Divisional Volleyball 2009

It's Monday, why don't we catch up?

Thursday we had to play Sunburst @ 1:00.
Sadly our girls just didn't come to play.
It was so frustrating to watch.
We lost in 3.

Losing this game meant in order for us to go to state, we would have to come through the back door. The back door means more games, less rest in between.

Friday we had to play North Star.
This is the team that knocked us out of the tournament last year.
This year that didn't happen.
We beat them in 4.

We had time to go eat and sit for an hour.
Then we were up again.

We played Big Sandy.
This is a team we have beat all year.
We beat them in 4 again.

Saturday morning at 11:00 we had to play Fort Benton.
Through the season and District Tournaments we have played them 5 times.
We have beat them 4 of those 5 times.
However we were worried. This was Divisional Tournaments and Fort Benton was going to come out fired up.
Much to our delight, our girls played absolutely awesome.
We beat Fort Benton in 3.

Our next game was right away.
We had to face Sunburst again.
If we won this game we were guaranteed going to state.
They take the top 2 Divisional teams to State.
If we won this game, we would have to play the Simms Tigers.
No matter what though, we would play for another week.

For some odd reason, we don't know what it is about Sunburst.
We are a much better team then they are.
Big Sandy, Chinook, Fort Benton all beat Sunburst.
Sometimes though, teams just get lucky and get things to fall right for them.

We lost to Sunburst once again in 3.
Ending our 2009 season.
We finished 3rd in Divisional's.

It was disappointing, but overall we had a good season.
Next year we will give it another shot.
Next year if we have to face Sunburst, they will be left broken and bleeding I'm almost sure of it.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Today

The Volleyball Divisional Tournament starts.

We play today at 1:00 against Sunburst.

We don't know a whole lot about them.
Except they are pretty good, they made it this far.

Keep your fingers crossed!

If we win this game we are up tomorrow at 9:00 am.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Catch up...

Halloween Night recap?
Not only did we win the District Tournament!

We got back in time for me to meet friends at the bar.
Can you tell we dressed up?
No really, I dressed up as a Bitch, and a drunk girl!

What??? I thought it was good! One must work with what one has.

The next day I woke up kinda crabby.
I've been crabby since actually.
No I didn't do anything dumb. Don't worry.
How ever, I was in a good mood while I was partaking in the drinking festivities.
The next day I remembered every single snide, dumb, assuming comment I heard.
And it just PISSED me off.



Basically the male gender is dumb and they piss me off.
You don't know me. Don't act like you do.
You aren't important and I don't like you. Any of you.
Leave me alone.
Smothering me is not going to get you what you want.
Asking dumb questions won't get you what you want.
You will never get what you want from me.

Everyday I get more and more crabby because it won't stop.

Your lines aren't cute, smart or even funny.
You all make my skin crawl.

All of this is probably my fault.
I'm looking for Ryan in all the wrong places.
But it's hard to turn your back on a glimmer of something you used to like.
It's hard to turn your back on a reminder of him.

In the end, I get annoyed by their dumbness. Granted they may do one thing that reminds me of Ryan. But they do 1,245.7 other things I can't stand.
It's another kind of let down.
Apparently if your a girl, you can't be friends with boys.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Weekend Recap

Oh what a weekend!

Friday
We played Fort Benton.
We lost to them in 5. It was a good game. It was a very close game.
I was on the edge of my seat!

Saturday
We played Geraldine. A team we lost to 2 times during season. (It was dumb mistakes that made us loose.)
We beat them in 3. It was awesome, I think we shocked them.

We then had a rematch with Fort Benton.
We beat them in 5. It was a good game. It was a very close game.

Because Fort Benton and Us both lost only 1 game to each other. We had to play them again.
Back to Back.

We beat them again.
In 4!
That last point was so great!

All the girls were jumping up and down, and screaming!
Everyone was so excited!!

We are the 2009 7-C District Champions!
This week Divisionals start. We have to finish in the top 2 to go on to state!
Keep your fingers crossed!

Friday, October 30, 2009

District Volleyball Tournaments

The District Volleyball tournament started.
We played our first game at 2:30 against GFCC.
We beat them in 3.

Our second game we played at 8:00 against Highwood.
Highwood and Belt are big rivals. They are rivals from 25 years ago.
We beat them in 5.

Winning that game against Highwood, ensure we are going to Divisional's!

Tonight we play Fort Benton at 6:00.
This is going to be a dog fight.
I can't wait.

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Today's Weather

Did I mention it was snowing?

No? Oh well it's snowing.
Correction. It's a blizzard outside.

Our weather forecast is as follows:
Tuesday- it's going to snow all day
Wednesday- it's going to snow all day
Thursday- it's not going to snow, but it will be cloudy
Friday- it's going to snow all day

It's a good thing my Mom got me a windshield brush/scraper thing.
Looks like it's going to come in handy.

The upside to all of this weather.
The only time I will ever think of this weather as an upside.
Is of course due to Hunting Season.

My work = lame

Starting November 1st, I'm going to be put on part time.
That sucks.
This wouldn't be too much of a problem if they give me the raise they promised me 3 months ago...
Starting today, I'm looking for another job.
One where they offer their workers heat!
One where they keep their promises.

Basically in 3 words I can sum up how I feel about my job.
"It sucks balls."

Here is to a day spent searching for stable income!

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Saturday night musings

I miss my Husband.
Everyday more then the last.

If I could have but one wish, I would wish for my Husband back.
I miss that Man I Married, the one who looked at me with stars in his eyes.
The one that looked and was happy in every picture.

I will always miss my Husband.
The Man that left was no longer this person.
I have to live among all the reminders, all the memories and it makes my heart want that person back even more.

Some one told me they wished they had the answers. They didn't want to see me so sad that I looked sick everyday.
They told me one day it might get easier.
Maybe that Man I married was my soul mate, and maybe he just changed.
If that is the case, does that mean I'm going to spend the rest of my life alone.
Spend the rest of my life with a heart that hurts and aches for him to come back?

If that is the case, I'm not up to the challenge.
I would cut off my arm just to have him back even if just for a day.

Tomorrow will mark the start of hunting season.
The first hunting season without him.
The first hunting season alone.
I love hunting, but I loved it because of him.

The hard thing for me is to find myself and find the distinction from what used to be us, me and him to just me.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Be careful what you ask for

I asked to be left alone.
I wanted to avoid going over and over our divorce.

I got what I asked for.

He deleted his myspace account.
I know it's dumb, and that our myspace friendship didn't mean we were getting along, or ever getting back together.

But it was a comfort to see him in my top whatever everyday.
It was a glimpse of him everyday, a stupid little comfort that I had.
I liked to look at his page and see me still on his top friends, another dumb little comfort.

I liked that he still had pictures of us up, yet again a dumb empty comfort.

So today when I didn't see him, I realized how much I looked forward to seeing him everyday.
I actually had a lot riding on those dumb empty comfort's.

Maybe it's just been the last couple of days, they have been hard.
2 calls from him, they never go well.
2 calls from family, delivering unplesant news.
2 rumor's running around town about me.

All of that alone has been overwhelming.
This today made it too much.

I'm glad to be going home for the weekend. I need to get away. I need a break.
I need to pull the covers over my head and sleep it away.

Monday I promise not to be so pathetic anymore.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

explain something you don't understand

Some things in life elude us.
The reasoning behind why things happen.
Why things fall the way they do.

Try as I might, I just can't seem to let this one thing go.

Why does he have to call and say the things he does?
I don't mind talking in a normal matter.
I actually like hearing his voice, when it's friendly. It's a nice reminder of why I loved him.

The calls I get however are not for talking.
They are for hurting, and I don't know why.
Why do you call me just to re-hash everything?
Why do you want to go through a divorce every time?

Why do you want to make me cry?

I don't understand it. I don't know how he does it.
I don't hate him.
I would still give him anything.
I still love him.

I can't see the reason or the purpose to call someone who used to be everything to you, just to rip open the old hurt. Just to get a reaction, just to know that you can still hurt them.

I'm not saying I have never made a mistake, I have made many.
I have said hurtful things. I have made him cry.
I still feel horrible for each and everyone of those things that I did.
But I don't call him just to stab the knife home again and again.
I don't call him to place the blame on his shoulders.

I don't understand it.

I wish he could let it go. Let us both move on.

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Funny how a phone call changes everything.

I have gotten two phone calls in the past two days that have changed things for me.

The first call was yesterday.
The call from Ryan.
I'm at the point in all of this where I'm okay. I'm okay with how things are going to end.
I'm okay with where I am at this point.
There isn't anything Ryan could say about me right now or what I'm doing right now that could hurt. I think he knows that.

I also think, he knows if he mentions me before any of this, or I more pointedly us before any of this. I think he knows it would still hurt.
I don't understand regret. I thought I used to, I thought I regretted many things.
But now I'm not so sure.

I'm okay with our marriage ending. It's sad, and not what we wanted, but I'm okay with it.
I'm not okay saying we wasted 2 years of our life.
I'm not okay hearing the words "You never loved me."
I'm especially not okay hearing "I regret this. I regret all of this."

Regret means you wish it never happened.
I can't say I regret marrying Ryan.
Because at that moment, at that time in my life. Ryan is exactly what I wanted.
Ryan is what my heart wanted more then anything else.
How can you regret something your heart wanted so badly?

Ryan is extremely good at choosing his words.
If he means to or not, he always chooses the ones that cut the deepest.
The ones that open up the hurt and expose it all over again.

I told him I was sorry he hated me. That I wished he didn't feel that way.
He told me he didn't hate me, but he just couldn't stand me, he just couldn't be forced to help me.

To which I said, "If I was drowning you wouldn't even throw your hand in to pull me out?"
He reply.... "I don't know"

In those 3 words I was blown away.
I heard regret, hatred, disgust and so many other underlying emotions.
Most of all I saw a heart that couldn't have possible wanted me.
I saw a heart that did in fact regret.
All that is left, once again is the raw hurt.

The second phone call came this morning.

Immediately after I heard what they had to say. I could feel the anger boiling. I could feel the anger rising trying to claw it's way out of my throat.
My hands started shaking.

The things that happened to me is one thing. That I can deal with.
But once the line is cross, once it starts happening to my family, starts to My sister. I can't handle that. I can not have that.

Once you go through it yourself, you want better for your family.
No one deserves to be treated that way.
No one deserves to feel so alone.

You are not alone.
You deserve better.
I will fight for you.
This is not okay and it is not acceptable.
You deserve happiness.
DO NOT SETTLE.

Friday, October 16, 2009

It's impossible to escape

Cold season, Flu season. And now the newest worry, Swine flu season.

Having a cold, or the flu takes so much out of you.
When you finally come out feeling okay, you look like a homeless that has slept in the same clothes for several months.

Not to mention your mouth has a disgusting taste stuck to the back of your tongue.
Your body is sore and stiff from lying in bed for so long.
My hair always looks like a rat's nest.

When I make my appearance out of my room after being sick I make a beeline for the shower.
A shower has the amazing ability to make you feel like a new person!

Thank goodness it's Friday.
Thank goodness I'm on the upside of the cold!
Thank goodness for showers!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Yesterday

I had the day off.
It was so nice. Well the weather was cold, it was snowing.

I used my time wisely.
I snuggled up on the couch and I finally joined the rest of America an watched "Twilight"

It was good.
However, if it was made a teenage love story to make those of us, who are now single lonely. Then it was a MOVIE SUCCESS!

In all seriousness though, I really don't like Vampire fake movies, but I liked the movie.

No I could definitely see what every one sees in Edward so much more, if only they'd add a cowboy hat.... hmmm.
It's a sickness I know.

Cheer's to a day off!

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

So this is what it looks like?

Turning 25 that is.
This is what it looks like to turn 25.
This is what it looks like to be in your Mid twenties.
This is what it looks like when you only have 5 years to 30.








I already miss being in my early twenties...
I thought by 25 I'd have a baby on the hip.... ha ha ho ho wooo.

Can I please have a moment of silence for my early twenties. Ah yes, I will miss them.

Monday, October 5, 2009

weekend recap

My weekend was busy, dangerous, expensive, fun all at once.
I know what your thinking... and no I'm not being dramatic.
Really my weekend was all of these things.


Saturday:
We went to an all day volleyball tournament. This was busy, fun and dangerous!
The dangerous part, several student who go to the school that hosted the tournament have the Swine Flu..... I told you it was dangerous.

Alas we are all okay (knock on wood) we all probably over dosed on hand sanitizer, and I think used 85% of the school's hand soap.
The fun part to the day was... Our team won the tournament. Yes we are the champions!


Sunday:
Nothing relaxes a person like retail shopping right?
So that's what I did.

I like to think I didn't buy anything to impulsive. That I really needed everything I bought.
Like this for example, I couldn't go on without it.
Seriously could you?
Okay okay, in my defense. I really bought it for the lamp shade, but the base is cool too right?
AND it was on clearance. Stop shaking your head at me!
It's from Pier One (a store that I really have no self control in) BUT it was on clearance, it's okay! This lamp was $50.00 and I got it for $29.98. A steal if you ask me.
Side Note: Now I have to figure out the perfect place for it..... and I don't have a house of my own. Hello challenge of the month. Lets see how much stuff I can stuff in one room. If you knew my Grandmother (love her) you would know I'm pretty darned talented in the cramming of stuff in one room! It's a gift really.
The shoes I bought for $4.95 was a good buy as well. But they have to go back. Not because I don't love them, but because the right shoe is a size 9 and the left is a size 7, unfortunately for me, my feet just don't work like that.
Hope you have a great Monday.
Mine started with snow.... woohoo

Wednesday, September 30, 2009

so not impressed




I'm annoyed.
With work.
With My cat.
With My arrangements.
With My spouse, or lack there of.
With My so called friend.
With volleyball game scheduling.

This face pretty much sums up how I feel about the last couple days.

So not impressed...

Monday, September 28, 2009

Idiot Move starring Me.

Have you ever had a moment you wish you could take back.
Yeah that happened to me on Saturday.

I was told something horrible. I let it get to me and I got really upset.
So I lashed out in the text message form.

The text message was received, and of course didn't make the other party happy.
They wanted to know who told me the information.
I wouldn't give the name.

So this text message receiver made call after call until he got what he wanted.

Great.
Now I'm orchestrating clean up.

If I could I would take it back.
I feel horrible but the damage is already done.

Now it's time for me to be the big girl and apologize for my actions.

Eating crow sucks.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Homecoming

Do you remember your High school Homecoming?
Ahh those were the days, I seriously didn't have a care in the world.
Anyways anymore Homecoming wears me out.
This past week was Homecoming.

Everyday the kids dressed up for spirit week.
Thursday was the parade, and the pep assembly.


Friday was the football game.
I only lasted until half time until I was freezing, so to warm up I went to the bar.

Saturday was the Volleyball game.
All the teams C squad, JV team, and the Varsity all won, in three.
Then of course I finished the night at the bar with the other coaches and friends from college.

The Big Sky State Game volleyball girls ordered team jackets. They came in, they are awesome. I broke mine out at the football game.


Sweet new volleyball jackets. It's good to be Coach.


Friday, September 25, 2009

Currently on Repeat

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KlJy_Cb21Lw

This is a song I am currently relating too.

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Reason for everything

I started working out yesterday.
It felt good. I felt really good afterwards.

I'm starting small, just riding my bike working up a sweat and getting my heart rate up.
Then I do 250 abs.

Yesterday I was thinking of a reason to work out you know my "Motivation"
I thought I would like to be "rocked out" again like I was in college.
Look good for bathing suit season.

But today the reason became all too clear.

I'm working out and gaining my muscle back to beat the shit out of a certain low life somebody.
It's all so clear to me know.

Bring on the cardio and weights, this homegirl is getting back what I let go.
Then I'm going to physically claim back everything he ever took from me.

I can't wait for his sorry ass to come visiting.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Slacking

I neglected to write about the volleyball game on Saturday and trust me, it's worth writing about.

We played Fort Benton.... this probably means nothing to outstanding to you but let me explain.
Fort Benton was a B school, they just dropped to a C school this year.

They have some very athletic girls, including a 5'9" sophomore that can jump. She was born to be a Middle blocker.

This game last Saturday was the first time we have played them.... ever. And to make things even more interesting, it was their Homecoming.
That's right the stands were packed and there were high school boys practically crawling over the railings and hanging from the rafters.
Needless to say, they were decked out in their finest "Longhorn" gear, painted in Maroon and white and being obnoxiously loud.

Fort Benton right away over looked us, thinking "Well Belt is only a C school and we were a B school, so really this is going to be easy."

Well they were wrong.
We played a good game.
It went to five, Fort Benton was tired.
But Belt could have gone another 3 games.

We lost the first two matches, they were close.
There were some bad calls, some missed serves, some errors made by the score keeper.
Of course, this happens every game.
In the end we won.
It was AWESOME. Fort Benton cried, I just love to make teams cry.
Fort Benton pouted and got snotty, I just love to make teams feel like crap.
Sometimes I love being a competitive girl.

The bus ride home was loud to say the least.
The girls took it upon themselves to have a singing party.
They sang Gwen Stephani, George Strait, Katy Perry, Luke Bryant, and anything else you can think of.

Did I mention that that was their first lost?
It just makes the win that much sweeter.

Monday, September 21, 2009

feeling good

It's always a comforting feeling to know you aren't alone.

It's a comfort to know there are other people who feel the same way, who are going through the same things.

It's a comfort to know in the end it will be okay.


No matter what happens, it will be okay.


"For everything you have lost, you gain something else."

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Failure?

So I can't help but wonder, if I'm failing.
I don't want to be a failure in God's eyes, I would rather our marriage work.
I'm not perfect and added to the problem, but I did not want this outcome not in a million years.

I just can't help but wonder if I'm a failure in God's eyes.
I wonder if there was something more I could have done, or if I should try to patch things once again...

I have started praying more often, I always would pray for my family and friends. I asked for God to give them love, strength and guidance when they needed it. I always asked that he kept them safe.
I still want these things, but now I want to know if he views me as a failure.
I want to know what I should do. I want his help, his strength and guidance.

I'm okay with the outcome as it looks now. If divorce is the right thing.
I know I didn't and still don't want a divorce. Neither one of us did.
I also know that I want to be happy. Both of us deserve it.
I know God wants that for us as well, but in his eyes is divorce is failing?

I have prayed for a sign, anything to help point me in the right direction. I don't want to disappoint him for failing, I need help choosing my path.

I just want to be sure we are doing the right thing in God's eyes.

Friday, September 18, 2009

New Routine

I have a new outlook on things.
Well, it's actually my old outlook on things, but I've just newly restored it. Kind of....
I made some adjustments here and there, and added a few extra kinks.

Anyways, this old-new routine I've picked up starts in the morning when I get up.

Every morning.... or at least the morning that I get up in time for I enjoy breakfast.
I like to think it keeps me focused.
It gives me the energy to say "Stick it" or my personal favorite "You know I just REALLY need closure." when the times calls for it.


My new routine aka. breakfast addiction.... is

Sunflower, flax and some other melody of seed bread toasted.
Spread butter on and top with a slice of cheese.
Pop it in the microwave for 15 seconds and you have breakfast.
Enjoy it with a warm cup of Joe.
Seriously, it's so good.
It's the perfect way to start a Friday.
Speaking of Friday, Thank goodness it's finally here.
Have a good weekend.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Really? No Really?

What a man.
You text me this morning asking me to send you papers because you really need closure. If I would send them you would appreciate it.

Wow, I really appreciate you being a chicken shit and asking for them over text message.

My reply?
Um you want papers? Put on your big boy pants and call me and ask for them.

For once, he listened and called.
I told him he would have to sign and send them in with a check. He didn't like that.
I also told him he would have to appear in court. He didn't like that either.
I threw in that he needed to send me a check for our split debt. He really didn't like that...
well, um I uh thought I was going to make payments.

My reply.... Yeah That was when I was being nice, but I'm not being nice anymore. I'm tired of bending over backwards and being crapped on.
So if you want to make payments, that's fine. But each payment will be a 100 plus dollars. You will have that debt paid off within the year. Each payment will be due on the first of each month. If your late, you will be charged interest. I don't want that to drag out and want it taken care of.
Because really, I just need some closure.
He really really didn't like that.

Sorry dude, but you were lucky I ever dated you, You were really lucky I married you. And I'm sorry but your luck has just run out.

This morning, there were some tears, mostly of anger.
But I'm still done.
I'm NOT bending over backwards anymore.
I'm taking a stand, and I'm not giving anymore.

I'm doing things for ME. I'm doing whatever will make ME happy from now on.
I'm MY number one.


Bring on all those hot, rugged, NICE cowboy's.
I know they are out there.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

for the records

No crying = fail

This morning was though
The afternoon was better
Tonight was a lost cause.
I started thinking...

September 15th 2007
Our wedding date. Oh how I cherish those happy memories, that night, the next morning. Saying my vows that I thought we would both live by forever.
Waking up the next morning to my husband.
Being thrilled over our future and all the things we would do and accomplish together.
Dreaming of our future. Thought we had so much to look forward to.

September 15th 2008
Feeling happy we made it a year. Wanting to experience many more. Looking forward to kids, to being happy. To always have each other.
Already thinking ahead to next year, dreaming more about our future.
Feeling safe, feeling loved, feeling like I had a spot in his heart.

September 15th 2009
Feeling so alone, so sad.
Thinking back to all the things we had, what could have been.
Saying goodbye. Letting go of dreams and hopes.
Thinking, how does one's life change so much in the course of 2 years.
Praying I could go back, could have just one more day, another chance.
Feeling empty.

I can't take it anymore. I quit.

I spoke to a friend that knows us both.
He is trying to move on, he is on the right path to do so.
I feel like My World just ended.

I am never ever going through this again.
I'm never going to let another person get close enough to hurt me this much ever again.
I am done.

Monday, September 14, 2009

being prepared

Tonight when I got home I made these amazing looking chocolate chip cookies.
They are good too, I couldn't help myself and had to sample one or four.

I made them to prepare for tomorrow.
Chocolate makes things better. I wish it also made things go away.
Tomorrow marks our 2 year anniversary.
Instead of celebrating, I'm going to eat these and will myself not to cry.
I'm so tired of crying.
I don't know what I will use to wash them down.
I know it won't be milk this time.
I will be okay, I will make it through tomorrow.
I will be okay, I will make it through tomorrow, I am strong.
Lord please give me strength.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

oops

On Monday, I went to town. I was bored.
I realize I have a slight issue...
Clearly I need to stay away from Michael's.

Friday, September 4, 2009

I was bored

This is what my boredom created.
I love doing crafty projects when I'm bored.
I know it's hard to see, sorry. That's what I get when I use my phone.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009


I Believe. It's Beautiful.

Finding things.

I have been on the search for many things.


Mainly something to fill the void.
Something to make me feel like I'm NOT alone.


There was something about this that moved me.

It made me feel.
It made me think.
After reading that it made me think, I had forgotten about so many important things.




I won't forget anymore.


I wear this on my wrist.
Every time I look down I feel better.
It's a comfort.
It's a reminder.

I'm not alone.

Monday, August 31, 2009

I am Tired

of crying.
of hurting.
of holding on to hope.
of being alone.
of sleeping alone.
of getting let down.
of being lonely.
of being defeated.

Friday, August 28, 2009

no title

Last night we talked.

I was on the computer last night, and he happened to be on too.

We talked over the computer. IM to be exact.

It was nice to talk to him.
I just wish he had other things to say.

He still wants the papers, and still wants the rings he gave to me back.
The rings he wants to hold on to as a reminder of how life is a wreck and never goes as planned.

Last night my heart broke.

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Last Night

I went to dinner.

Food was good.
Conversation was good.
It was good to get out.



Until they asked about him.
Until they mentioned how quiet it is without him.
Until they said, someone else would be living in my old house in 3 weeks.



I used liquid to heal the hurt.
This of course is only a temporary fix. Unfortunately.
This morning all the hurt came flooding back.

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Who Says

you can't function on very little sleep?

I am a testament that you can indeed function on little sleep.
I'm doing it right now.

Let me point out I'm just functioning, I never said I was functioning well just functioning.

Tonight I'm looking forward to some wine and bed.

Monday, August 24, 2009

Weekend's

This was the first official weekend alone.
My first weekend in a new house.
My first weekend on someones schedule.

For the most part it was okay.
It was especially okay when I stayed busy.
I like things to stay busy, keeps my mind to busy to think about other things.

Sunday was not a busy day.
Sunday night was a hard one.
I just wanted to hear his voice.
I wanted to hear if he would be excited to talk to me, if he missed me.
I just wanted to talk to him.
I waited and waited and waited for him to return my call.

The call never came.
Enter the excuses....
Maybe he is busy, maybe he is out of service, maybe his phone is dead, maybe he lost his phone.
And then the worst was Maybe he doesn't want to talk to me.

Sunday night I went to bed sad.

This week will be busy, thankfully.
I won't have time to be sad, until Sunday.

Saturday, August 22, 2009

Today

I got a computer. My very own, my very first computer.

It rocks my socks, if socks can be rocked that is.

I'm off to discover this new computer owning world I've uncovered.

Wish me luck.

Friday, August 21, 2009

Did I mention?

The other day, when I was catching my chickens.
I had to take them to the chicken orphanage... Just kidding. I took them to a friends house who also has chickens.
I'm sure by now, they are busy making chicken friends.

In the middle of catching all my feathered friends.
I found my cat.
My long lost cat Lucky.

No he wasn't dead, thank goodness.
He was scared to death.
We managed to catch him, thankfully he only scratched half my arm off.

For the first couple days he was too scared to come out of the kennel.
Last night however, he was very friendly.
Wanted to be loved on constantly.

I'm so glad I found that little fluff ball.
He makes me happy.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Today is better

Today I woke up in a new place, it was refreshing.
My first thought was, "I'm okay. I still alive."

I'm still sad, and of course still wish I was home.
But really I'm okay.

The tears are dried, and I can smile again.

We parted on good terms.

I don't know what the future will bring, but I do hope that someday it brings us back together.
People may not agree with me, but I do still love him.

For now however, we are just taking a step back, giving ourselves time to catch our breath.

Monday, August 17, 2009

My weekend.

Was Hard.

Packing up your life, let alone all the memories is hard.
Splitting everything you bought together is hard.

Wondering who will fill the spot in their heart, the space that used to be yours. That kills me.
Trying to be okay on the outside.
Trying to be strong, and smile.
Saying I will be okay, and trying to believe it.

All of that has slowly worn me down.
All I can do is push everything down.
Fight off the tears a little longer.

I have woken up to this person everyday for the last year and a half.
Tomorrow they will be gone.
Will I see him again?
Will he call me?

I don't have that spot in their heart.
I don't even have a home to go home to.
I had to give away all my pets.
I am truly alone.

I don't know how I will make it out of this.
Honestly I don't.
I don't want a divorce.
I don't want to be alone.

I'm going to take some time.
I want to curl up in a ball and cry.
I want to disappear.
I want this all to go away.

Before I break, I'm going to take today and feel.
Tomorrow I will think about trying again.
Tomorrow will be for work.
Tomorrow will be for being brave.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Word for Wednesday

Tonight I'm looking at a house to rent.

The house is littered with boxes. I'm dedicating the rest of my night to packing.

I'm hoping I can lighten my load and get rid of some clothes.

This morning we started splitting everything.
Talk about a weird moment.
Tonight we are going to finish the separating and dividing of the property.

Splitting up things that you have accumulated in a year together... there are no words to describe it.

call me dumb, but whatever. if the option still existed this would not be happening. not separately anyways.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Crash

I got that call back. Didn't hear what I really wanted too.

Yet again other dreams are going to have to be put on hold or put to rest.

Putting dreams to rest, is something I've become good at.

Day by day I'm turning into a very bitter person. I can't seem to make it stop.


Nothing is turning out they way I had dreamed, letting go of your dreams is hard enough. Putting those dreams to rest, slowly kills you.

Monday, August 10, 2009

Weekend Recap

I've been gone for what seems like a life time. But really I was only gone 5 days or so.

I've managed to fit a lifetime in 5 days.

Coaching Clinic... it was good. But good lord is it painful on my gas tank and my check book to drive to town. Every.Day.

I've managed to have a good serving of Ups and Downs to last me the next four years of my life.

Of course the weekend ended with a downer.

My horse had a rough couple of days. She cut her foot, and the very next day, cut her face.

I've been playing equestrian Doctor ever sense.

I'm anxiously awaiting a phone call.

I am genuinely sorry for some things that came out of my mouth this weekend. I shouldn't be like that.

A family member of mine by marriage is in the hospital. I hope they are ok.

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Until Monday

I will be gone.

But not on vacation.

I will be at a clinic.

A coaching clinic.

It will be fun.

I will see old friends.

I would be lying if I said I wouldn't go out for a drink.

I'm also going to put my foot down.
Those are my girls, and I'm not giving them up. SORRY.

Peace out home slices.... until Monday.

Monday, August 3, 2009

Nothing is ever simple. Even though I have known this fact for most of my life.
It seems that life has to put you through experiences just to reiterate this fact.

Friday, July 31, 2009

casual friday

On the road again.... potentially.
To be honest, I don't want to go any where this weekend.
I want to stay home.

I'm craving Arby's like it's going to be discontinued tomorrow.

Our town is now the proud owners of a Sonic

If I don't go anywhere I'm going to the fair for one reason. food.

I'm so glad it's Friday for one reason. payday.

In the last 2 night, 2 babies were born.

Thursday, July 30, 2009

Shouldn't I know better

then to stay out really really late at the Bar on a WEEK NIGHT!

I thought I got all of that out during college?

Apparently not.

Let's just say it was a late night.

I may or may not have left the bar until 3:30 am....

However, it was business.... "Pre-game Coaches Meeting"

The actual Coaches Meeting will be held later this evening.

I may or may not be in attendance.

that's all I'm sayin

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

2 things




that make me happy

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Nice while it lasted

Last week and yesterday the owner's, boss man and the entire family have been gone.

It was a nice break to not have them call me 59 times out of the 62 calls a day I get here at work.


Today they are back.

Today this morning they have called at least 10 times.


It was a nice break while it lasted.

All good things must come to an end.... Unfortunately

Monday, July 27, 2009

Lucky

I really don't know where to start. If you don't like reading about people who love their animals an un godly amount, then stop here. If you have a soft heart and your animals are just animals but your family and friends, then read on. You may be able to understand....


Friday sometime Lucky went outside, and I thought he came back in.
I realized in the middle of the night, he wasn't in the house.
I opened the door and called and called for him.
No reply. I thought he was holed up under the back porch like he often does when he is outside.


I figured I see him in the morning for breakfast.
When I didn't see him, I thought, it's okay I'll see him for dinner. He will get hungry and come home.


Then slowly doubt started to creep in.


I never saw him Saturday. I was constantly outside searching for him, calling for him. Trying to lure him out of his hiding spot with food.


Deep down I thought, something must have got him.
But I still held out hope that he would come home on Sunday.


Sunday morning nothing. No lucky kitty.
Sunday night, still nothing.
After asking around if anyone had seen him, and all the answer's were no.


Finally I said he's gone. Something must have got him.



Still this morning when I got up, I couldn't help but hurry to the back door to see if he had come home.
I wanted to so bad to see him sitting at the door looking up at me with his blue eyes.
But he wasn't there.


I feel so bad, knowing that he was scared and more then likely in pain. And I feel horrible knowing he was probably at the door at some point in time, meowing hoping I would hear him and let him in the house.



For those of you that think he is just a cat, it's not that big of a deal.
You don't understand.


Lucky was a comfort to me. At the beginning and end of each day I knew with out a doubt he would always be happy to see me. He would always come sit on the couch with me.

He would always come to me to rub behind his ears.


Now he is gone and I'm unbelievably sad. My house really isn't the same without him. I miss his big fluffy tail and big blue eyes. I'm glad however, that we found him when we did and that he did have a good life. He was just a cat, but he was my cat and I loved him.



Good bye Lucky.

Rainy Days

Sunday I went to go ride my horse. But unfortunately the weather had other plans.
By the time I got there it was pouring rain outside.
So I spent my Sunday evening in my truck watching the rain.
I have to say however, this is better then being home.

Thursday

Try to keep up okay. I'm going to bring you all up to date on the recent happenings that is my
messy, bloody Isle 12 life okay?


Thursday, I worked, it sucked.
After work I went home, it sucked more.
After home I went to ride my horse, this made me smile.
After I rode my horse I did the following. (this made me smile more)


I didn't participate in this myself, that water was dang cold.
But I deemed myself the appropriate person to video this event.



These girls make me smile


Thursday, July 23, 2009

When I'm Up

He is down.

All the time. It's a never ending cycle.

If we were to ever get on the same page I think the world would end. (don't worry, I don't foresee this happening ever.)

Also, I tried to pry the truth out, it's like banging your head against a brick wall that has nails protruding everywhere.

Everything by now is a bloody mess.

Clean up on isle 12.

Isle 12 being my life.

Wednesday, July 22, 2009

Lets call this Wedding Wednesday shall we?

Warning: Large amounts of blue to follow.




I love when people use all different shades of one color.



Nice combo of lighter shades of blue.





Lovely use of Blue and Copper.


Just another example that this rocks.


love the buckets




Simple details.


Good enough to eat