Neither here nor there

Yesterday after work I decided to work out.
My workout? I picked stair laps.
I ran a total of 6. I thought I was going to die.
Today my goal is 8.
I really like to work hard and push myself. (please tell me you caught that sarcasm)

Last night I cut up meat. Elk meat.
The last time I had done this, it was with Ryan sitting next to me.
As small or unimportant as it may seem, I don't want to replace all those memories.
Every time I do something we used to do by myself, I'm left with a sad bitter feeling.
It sucks.

To make matters worse. Matters??? Maybe my personal emotional roller coaster is a better way to describe that.
On my drive back to the house.
A song came on the radio.
A song I used to listen to often in college.
A song that I used to listen too because I saw me and Ryan in that song.
This song brought back all those memories. The hopeful ones. The hopeful young ones, where you still find yourself looking forward to so much in life. When I was so trustful and happy.
All I had the energy to do about it was cry.
Drive and cry.
I'm getting good at it.
When your alone, you have time to think.
Thinking isn't always a good thing. Thinking makes you remember and makes you feel.
I hate feeling.
Most days I can hide it. Can force the smile anyways.
But when all those feelings bubble over.
They consume me, and it's hard to even breathe.

A boy who reminds me of Ryan so long ago came over.
It was strange sitting and talking to that boy.
Listening to what he wants out of life.
It was like I was sitting with Ryan 6 years ago in his truck listening to his music.
Talking for hours.
Talking about our hopes, what we want in life.
Listening to a song over and over that would leave me crying several years later.

I want to hold on to those times, those memories so bad my mind hurts from trying to remember every detail.
How I felt, How he looked, how he smelled, how he smiled, the butterflies in my stomach.
The way we could just be together and be entertained and so wrapped up in each other the hours would literally fly by.

It's enough to almost make me never leave the house and never turn on my radio again.