I am Tired

of crying.
of hurting.
of holding on to hope.
of being alone.
of sleeping alone.
of getting let down.
of being lonely.
of being defeated.

no title

Last night we talked.

I was on the computer last night, and he happened to be on too.

We talked over the computer. IM to be exact.

It was nice to talk to him.
I just wish he had other things to say.

He still wants the papers, and still wants the rings he gave to me back.
The rings he wants to hold on to as a reminder of how life is a wreck and never goes as planned.

Last night my heart broke.

Last Night

I went to dinner.

Food was good.
Conversation was good.
It was good to get out.



Until they asked about him.
Until they mentioned how quiet it is without him.
Until they said, someone else would be living in my old house in 3 weeks.



I used liquid to heal the hurt.
This of course is only a temporary fix. Unfortunately.
This morning all the hurt came flooding back.

Who Says

you can't function on very little sleep?

I am a testament that you can indeed function on little sleep.
I'm doing it right now.

Let me point out I'm just functioning, I never said I was functioning well just functioning.

Tonight I'm looking forward to some wine and bed.

Weekend's

This was the first official weekend alone.
My first weekend in a new house.
My first weekend on someones schedule.

For the most part it was okay.
It was especially okay when I stayed busy.
I like things to stay busy, keeps my mind to busy to think about other things.

Sunday was not a busy day.
Sunday night was a hard one.
I just wanted to hear his voice.
I wanted to hear if he would be excited to talk to me, if he missed me.
I just wanted to talk to him.
I waited and waited and waited for him to return my call.

The call never came.
Enter the excuses....
Maybe he is busy, maybe he is out of service, maybe his phone is dead, maybe he lost his phone.
And then the worst was Maybe he doesn't want to talk to me.

Sunday night I went to bed sad.

This week will be busy, thankfully.
I won't have time to be sad, until Sunday.

Today

I got a computer. My very own, my very first computer.

It rocks my socks, if socks can be rocked that is.

I'm off to discover this new computer owning world I've uncovered.

Wish me luck.

Did I mention?

The other day, when I was catching my chickens.
I had to take them to the chicken orphanage... Just kidding. I took them to a friends house who also has chickens.
I'm sure by now, they are busy making chicken friends.

In the middle of catching all my feathered friends.
I found my cat.
My long lost cat Lucky.

No he wasn't dead, thank goodness.
He was scared to death.
We managed to catch him, thankfully he only scratched half my arm off.

For the first couple days he was too scared to come out of the kennel.
Last night however, he was very friendly.
Wanted to be loved on constantly.

I'm so glad I found that little fluff ball.
He makes me happy.

Today is better

Today I woke up in a new place, it was refreshing.
My first thought was, "I'm okay. I still alive."

I'm still sad, and of course still wish I was home.
But really I'm okay.

The tears are dried, and I can smile again.

We parted on good terms.

I don't know what the future will bring, but I do hope that someday it brings us back together.
People may not agree with me, but I do still love him.

For now however, we are just taking a step back, giving ourselves time to catch our breath.

My weekend.

Was Hard.

Packing up your life, let alone all the memories is hard.
Splitting everything you bought together is hard.

Wondering who will fill the spot in their heart, the space that used to be yours. That kills me.
Trying to be okay on the outside.
Trying to be strong, and smile.
Saying I will be okay, and trying to believe it.

All of that has slowly worn me down.
All I can do is push everything down.
Fight off the tears a little longer.

I have woken up to this person everyday for the last year and a half.
Tomorrow they will be gone.
Will I see him again?
Will he call me?

I don't have that spot in their heart.
I don't even have a home to go home to.
I had to give away all my pets.
I am truly alone.

I don't know how I will make it out of this.
Honestly I don't.
I don't want a divorce.
I don't want to be alone.

I'm going to take some time.
I want to curl up in a ball and cry.
I want to disappear.
I want this all to go away.

Before I break, I'm going to take today and feel.
Tomorrow I will think about trying again.
Tomorrow will be for work.
Tomorrow will be for being brave.

Word for Wednesday

Tonight I'm looking at a house to rent.

The house is littered with boxes. I'm dedicating the rest of my night to packing.

I'm hoping I can lighten my load and get rid of some clothes.

This morning we started splitting everything.
Talk about a weird moment.
Tonight we are going to finish the separating and dividing of the property.

Splitting up things that you have accumulated in a year together... there are no words to describe it.

call me dumb, but whatever. if the option still existed this would not be happening. not separately anyways.

Crash

I got that call back. Didn't hear what I really wanted too.

Yet again other dreams are going to have to be put on hold or put to rest.

Putting dreams to rest, is something I've become good at.

Day by day I'm turning into a very bitter person. I can't seem to make it stop.


Nothing is turning out they way I had dreamed, letting go of your dreams is hard enough. Putting those dreams to rest, slowly kills you.

Weekend Recap

I've been gone for what seems like a life time. But really I was only gone 5 days or so.

I've managed to fit a lifetime in 5 days.

Coaching Clinic... it was good. But good lord is it painful on my gas tank and my check book to drive to town. Every.Day.

I've managed to have a good serving of Ups and Downs to last me the next four years of my life.

Of course the weekend ended with a downer.

My horse had a rough couple of days. She cut her foot, and the very next day, cut her face.

I've been playing equestrian Doctor ever sense.

I'm anxiously awaiting a phone call.

I am genuinely sorry for some things that came out of my mouth this weekend. I shouldn't be like that.

A family member of mine by marriage is in the hospital. I hope they are ok.

Until Monday

I will be gone.

But not on vacation.

I will be at a clinic.

A coaching clinic.

It will be fun.

I will see old friends.

I would be lying if I said I wouldn't go out for a drink.

I'm also going to put my foot down.
Those are my girls, and I'm not giving them up. SORRY.

Peace out home slices.... until Monday.

Nothing is ever simple. Even though I have known this fact for most of my life.

It seems that life has to put you through experiences just to reiterate this fact.