Funny how a phone call changes everything.

I have gotten two phone calls in the past two days that have changed things for me.

The first call was yesterday.
The call from Ryan.
I'm at the point in all of this where I'm okay. I'm okay with how things are going to end.
I'm okay with where I am at this point.
There isn't anything Ryan could say about me right now or what I'm doing right now that could hurt. I think he knows that.

I also think, he knows if he mentions me before any of this, or I more pointedly us before any of this. I think he knows it would still hurt.
I don't understand regret. I thought I used to, I thought I regretted many things.
But now I'm not so sure.

I'm okay with our marriage ending. It's sad, and not what we wanted, but I'm okay with it.
I'm not okay saying we wasted 2 years of our life.
I'm not okay hearing the words "You never loved me."
I'm especially not okay hearing "I regret this. I regret all of this."

Regret means you wish it never happened.
I can't say I regret marrying Ryan.
Because at that moment, at that time in my life. Ryan is exactly what I wanted.
Ryan is what my heart wanted more then anything else.
How can you regret something your heart wanted so badly?

Ryan is extremely good at choosing his words.
If he means to or not, he always chooses the ones that cut the deepest.
The ones that open up the hurt and expose it all over again.

I told him I was sorry he hated me. That I wished he didn't feel that way.
He told me he didn't hate me, but he just couldn't stand me, he just couldn't be forced to help me.

To which I said, "If I was drowning you wouldn't even throw your hand in to pull me out?"
He reply.... "I don't know"

In those 3 words I was blown away.
I heard regret, hatred, disgust and so many other underlying emotions.
Most of all I saw a heart that couldn't have possible wanted me.
I saw a heart that did in fact regret.
All that is left, once again is the raw hurt.

The second phone call came this morning.

Immediately after I heard what they had to say. I could feel the anger boiling. I could feel the anger rising trying to claw it's way out of my throat.
My hands started shaking.

The things that happened to me is one thing. That I can deal with.
But once the line is cross, once it starts happening to my family, starts to My sister. I can't handle that. I can not have that.

Once you go through it yourself, you want better for your family.
No one deserves to be treated that way.
No one deserves to feel so alone.

You are not alone.
You deserve better.
I will fight for you.
This is not okay and it is not acceptable.
You deserve happiness.
DO NOT SETTLE.