Well have you?

Have you ever wished you could go back to a time, where things were better, happier. A time you could remember you had so much to look forward to, a time when you always felt like things were okay and they always would be.

If I could go back, where would I go?

There are a couple different times I could choose from....

Times where I remember feeling good about my choices, my future. Things were simple and happier.

Maybe here? July 2007

I remember being so excited for the future. We were in Bozeman for one of my dear friends weddings. It was a wonderful weekend full of love and friends. I remember being so happy for them and thinking they are so perfect for each other. They love each other very much, you could tell just by sitting in the room with them. The best part, is they still love each other to the moon and back.

I remember being so happy and giddy all weekend, waiting and being excited for what was yet to come that summer. My dreams, hopes were still alive. The possibilities were endless.

Or I could go here? July 2007

This is right after the ceremony of my friends wedding. I remember standing during the wedding watching my friend say her vows, this filled me with such excited anticipation. I remember looking at him and thinking "God, I can't wait to make this person my husband." " I can't wait for that day, I can't wait to be his wife, I can't wait for forever."
I remember thinking ahead to the future, the future was so bright. We could do anything. I wanted to go through life with him through babies, hard times, good times, I wanted to grow old with him. I had so many beautiful hopes and dreams I wanted to fulfill with him.

Or I wouldn't mind going here.

June 2006

This is at my best friends wedding. Things were so simple and happy.

I wasn't sure what my future would bring, but I knew I could handle it.

I was hopeful about everything. I was even prepared to move to another state to fulfill an old high school dream. Nothing was uncertain to me, nothing was scary.

Most of all I remember I was happy for my friend, and I was certain that I myself would find that one day as well. I didn't have any doubts or jaded thoughts.

Oh my how different things have turned out.

I've been thinking back to all these times in my life when I was happy. I wanted some pictures as visual proof. All the pictures I have, every single one (give or take 3) have Ryan in them.

He has been in my life for that long. He was there during all 3 pictures above.

It's not just a part of my life, but a huge chunk of my heart.

I'm at a cross roads, there are two paths.

One path I go by myself, leaving Ryan behind.

The other path leads me with Ryan. We do it together.

I know what my friends and family want me to decide.

I know what Ryan has expressed to me.

The problem? I Don't Know What I Want.

"What do I want?"

The simplest question in the world.

My answer either way will rip my world in too....

If I go with Ryan, my friends and family will not agree with me. And that's okay, but what if I make the wrong choice. Can I go to my friends and family for help, or will I get the cold shoulder? Will I get the "I told you so." Will I loose touch with these people I care about if I choose this?

If I go by myself, I'm leaving behind my heart, 8 years of my life. The person that I have loved for so long. The person I built all these dreams and hopes around. If I go by myself, I will have to let go off all my plans, all my hopes and dreams.

What if I make the wrong choice? I'm so scared that I will do the wrong thing. What do I want? Do I even really know what I want anymore? What do I want?

In order to avoid this all together I've been putting it off.

Instead I think back to times where my life was so easy.

Things were so simple and happy. Times where I felt free to dream and I wasn't scared.