I am

Sorry for the debbie downer post. I wrote it and thought about deleting it. At the last minute I changed my mind, and decided I'm not going to do that anymore. I'm going to write what I feel. I'm going to write and release. This is how I felt today, and as I'm sure you can tell today was not a good day.



I am being crushed by this ache in my chest. Each day is grows bigger and heavier.
Every day it's harder to breathe and laugh, every smile hurts.

I am going to be okay.

I am trying my hardest to be the things I need to be, it's never enough. Never good enough and again this ache grows. My heart hurts, every thing that won't get a chance to be adds more pressure, more hurt.
I am suffocating from all this pressure. Just when you think you have be completely beaten, cried all you can cry, there are a batch of fresh tears. They flood my face, fill my heart and still the ache grows. It's taken over who I am, or once was.

I am tired of having tear stained cheeks. I am tired of the puffy, red eyes. I am tired of this ache in my chest. I am tired of not being enough. I wish I could out run everything, if only for a while. If only for a while I could be free. Free to laugh, free to feel, free to smile.

I wish I knew the answers. Why? I always ask myself why? I never have the answer, not the right one anyway. Why is the simplest thing you want so hard to acquire? Why?

I am scared but,
I am going to be okay.

I am deserving. Deep down I know I am, it's hard for me to see it right now, but I know I am.
I have always been and will always be deserving. One day I will be enough.
One day this ache, will ease. I am ready for that day.

I am still hopeful that things will be okay. I'm hopeful for things to work. They have to don't they? I realize that I've been hopeful for probably too long, but when I tell myself hope has run it's course and I can't rely on hope anymore, this is when the ache grows. It grows and grows until I can can't breathe anymore.

I just keep telling myself I am going to be okay.
I am going to be okay.

If I say it enough, I will eventually believe it. I have to.