Oy. This is a long one.

There comes a time in every respective ranch wife's life when you realize some things.
Your season's change and you no longer refer to them as the normal spring, summer, fall, winter.

The season's now fall into different categories.
Gathering Season
Branding Season
Haying Season
Calving Season

The biggest project/ season in my life is Calving season. It's taking over our lives.
Ryan totally understandable, it's his job. He gets paid for it.
Me... not so much. I'm free labor or slavery however you see it.
I'm obligated by marriage to help with all these seasons.
Don't get me wrong, there are the good points. I get to spend time with Ryan and I get to be outside. I like being hands on with things and I don't mind getting down and dirty on the ranch.

What sucks, is the hours you put in. Some people don't really understand what goes into a Ranch to keep it running smoothly.
During Calving season, there is always someone keeping watch over the bovine creatures. Ryan this year is the "Night Calver" meaning he stays up all night with the cows and helps when needed.
This year, much like last year, I'm the "Night Calver Assistant" or as I refer to myself as the "Cow Doctor" There is only one difference, this year I have a job. I don't really get much sleep, but hey how needs it? I mean come on, sleep is for the birds.

All the missed sleep is worth it however, when you see a cute little baby calf. If you haven't ever seen one, you are missing out. They are so soft, and for the most part very gentle and nice to be around. I like to bottle feed the little love muffins.

However, there is a darker side to calving. This dark part for me happens in the heifer barn. (Heifers are first time calvers)
I'm a pretty educated girl when it comes to reproduction. I haven't done it myself yet, but I know what goes down. That being said, those poor poor heifers and I'm not sure I want to reproduce and go through labor.

This weekend, Ryan and I had to pull two calves. (The cowboy has to decide if the cow needs help getting the baby out. They usually give the heifers a couple hours to calve by themselves, but after that for the cow and calf's sake, they need us to help)
The ingredients to pull a calf:
J Lube
The Glove
The Chains
The Hooks
The Jack (oh lord.)

Back Information you need to know:
First, you have to move the heifer to the "Mothering pen" with the head catch. (So the cow can't run away from you.)
First, Put on that glove, you'll need it. It could get messy.
Then "Lube" if needed, to well make things easier.
Then you determine the position of the calf. Get things arranged in there and pull out the legs (hopefully the front legs) and put the chains on both legs.

If you can't hold on to the chains you need to use the hooks to help pull the baby down out of the birthing slew.
Then enter the Jack. (I just got goosebumps)
The jack is designed to keep the calve coming out instead of out, then in, out, then in.

IMPORTANT:
With Heifers and all cows, you want to be as easy and stress free as possible. Wait for a contraction and pull with the cow. This will keep the cow and calf more calm and reduce tearing (more goosebumps) You also have to be careful of when the cow will go down (there is a lot happening and they are tired and in pain, of course they will lay down) But in going down, if the calf is partly out, it could have it's back broken, or other injuries. So you have to be ready for everything.

Okay, now down to the story:

Heifer Helen
Ryan decided this heifer wasn't able to have her calf by herself. The reason was, the calf was just too big and she needed help. So off we go to get her and ourselves prepared.
Heifer in the mothering pen and head catch. Check
Gloves, Chains in place. Check
Enter the Jack and position it into place. Check.
Heifer Helen, begins to contract. Check
Gently begin to help her with the jack during each contraction. Check
Enter in Me. Cow Doctor. Check.
Then I'm given a job, an important horrible job cause well I could feel everything. I seriously thought about sending Heifer Helen flowers with a card saying get well soon.

Ryan said I need to insert my hands in heifer Helen's birthing slew and try to stretch it to accommodate the Goliath calf. So I did it. Please take note, my stomach lurched and turned with every contraction, my heart ached and my girl parts ran away from home and retired in Mexico. I do not, want to go through that.
But oh my lord. With each contraction, you can feel the stretching, the tearing, the bones and joints in the heifer and calf popping. Let me tell you, this calf was HUGE.
But my job was very helpful. I was gently mind you, stretching her so Goliath could enter the world. She had some stretching and very minimal tearing, and she never went down which is very good. That heifer Helen was tough, tougher then me for sure. Plus the calf was okay. All ended well, or so we thought.

Heifer Ursula
Ryan again decided this gal needed some help, for the reason of Goliath Jr. wanted to visit the world.
We are all ready, every precaution is taken.
Everything is in place and ready to begin pulling.
We wait for a contraction to hit and then it all starts.
Again my job, birthing slew stretcher.
The head comes out and I'm saying Hail Mary's for Ursula's birthing slew. This baby is big.
I'm feeling every thing, again with the stomach pains, the lurching, the aching heart and by now my girly parts have died. (the memorial service will be next week)
Ursula goes down, and the calves head is halfway out.
Ryan takes action, continuing to help Ursula birth her giant with each contraction.
I'm talking her through it, like she can understand me. (And still stretching manually)
The calve is now out to his hips, and gets stuck.
Ryan drops the jack, and bear hugs the calf.
He then turns it, so he can get it out.
Goliath Jr. is out. Ursula is relieved, and I want to puke. Poor Ursula is well, her birthing center needs some rehabilitation. If I were here, I'd go on vacation for a year. Heifer Ursula is thankfully okay and her giant calf is too.
The story ends well, but my girly parts will never ever be the same again.

Disclaimer: This is a true story. There were no animals harmed in the making of this story only my girly parts I'm afraid they will never be the same. The birthing nightmare will plague me forever.